Flawed. That is what I am. In every sense of the word. I am physically flawed. I am emotionally flawed. I am psychologically flawed. I am relationally flawed. I am sinfully flawed.
Or, at least, that is my perception. I recently read something that has had me thinking. It said something along the lines of other people that we come in contact with are just a mirror, a reflection of us. But, what we see is of our own choosing. Meaning, we too, can see the flaws in others, or we can choose to see beauty. After time, we start to find our worth and our own self-image in the acceptance and approval and judgments that we receive from others. If this is the reflection that we are "seeing", then are we too projecting our own judgments and holding our approval and acceptance of others in front the people searching for their own reflection? We can be a mirror of kindness and love. We can project self love and self acceptance so that others, too, may see that in themselves. Often times, we are our own worst critic.
So much of this past year I spent pouring myself into caring for my grandmother and then grieving for her. As Christmas approached and I was searching for photos of my children to print and frame for family, I was lacking options. I dedicated so much time and attention to her that I slacked in devoting myself to my children. I have picture after picture of her and of all of us with her. My focus was her. The subject of almost every photo, she is front and center, or off center :) But the point is this, my passion for photography took a backseat this year. My passion for documenting the everyday aspects of my children's lives took a backseat. My children took a backseat so that I could fulfill a calling that God had placed on my heart. I have no regrets for the choice that I made to follow that calling. But looking back, I wonder, was it a flawed choice not to choose my children, TOO?
The beauty in this is that I have these amazing photos of these precious moments of my children with her. They made a choice too. They choose to dedicate their precious childhood moments to snuggling up in bed with her. Piper choose to brush her hair and to paint her nails over playing dolls or tea party. Kyler choose to hold her hand and make her laugh over playing Pokémon or playing outside. These precious moments were captured. However flawed the moments were, in anticipated grief, in sadness and heartache, tired and bleary eyes, the ever present theme viewable in these photos is LOVE.
That Home Goods, TJ Max commercial gets me in the heart every time these days. What if the holidays were ruled, not by the word S-A-L-E, but by L-O-V-E? Love is not perfect, but it is kind and never boastful. It is patient and bears all things, ever enduring. What if we loved each other just a little more? But, what if we also loved our SELVES a little more, a little kinder? How would the world change if we all had a little more self-love? Not egotistical, boastful self-love. True self love. Self love the way God loves us. If we could see our selves through God's eyes, would we not see perfection?
Here is something to think about. In the days when Jesus comes to take us home, we must leave with nothing. We will trade in our sin stained bodies, in all of their imperfection, for new, perfect immortal bodies. We will leave behind the homes full of possessions we worked our lives away to acquire. We will leave parked here the vehicles we traded up for the bigger and better. We will leave behind everything that we thought made us who we were... Our careers, our education, our talents, our gifts, used or unused, our family and friends, our bodies. None of it can come with us into eternity, on either side! Neither Heaven nor Hell will accept your BMW or your bank account or your expensive shoes (Although I do hope there are cute shoes in Heaven!) as payment for entrance. But here is the silver lining, the cross has made you flawless! It gives you the chance to accept a new body, free of sin. Beautiful and pure. Perfect. Eternal. But, we must first accept Jesus and release our attachment to this life.
It has been a true struggle for me this year... Attachment. I never realized how much I was attached to "things", physical and emotional. Attached to feelings. Attached to material things. Attached to my hair? Yes. I have been growing my hair out for the last 5+ years. It had become something that I took pride in. I spent far too much time worried about it. I hid behind it. My long, glossy, sleek and blunt cut locks were my outward sign of "perfection." Polished. When I feel insecure, I hide behind it. When I felt lonely, I could play with it. When things are spiraling out of control in my mind, I could control this outward sign of order. So, what happens when you take the "curtain" away? What is left? What do you have to face? When the "security blanket" is pulled back, what do you find that has been hidden away for such a long time?
Attachment is like an illusion of security. We cling to things that make us "happy" and we justify our need for them so that we don't need to face what the real issue is. Why had I become so attached to my hair? It sounds like such a silly thing to say out loud, I was attached to my hair. But what I was hiding, what was revealed when it was gone, was a fear of lack of control, fear of lack of order, insecurity, fear of surrender, fear of change, fear of people seeing the real me.
So what are you attached to and what are you hiding behind your "curtain"? There is no time to face it like now. Pull back your "curtain" and charge, full force ahead, to reveal your true you. Do you hide behind your big, fancy house? Do you hide behind a fake smile? Do you hide behind your "dream" job? Do you hide behind your expensive car? We all have a fear of letting people in to see the real "us", but when we are brave enough to admit that there is something that we are afraid to show, there is a real, raw version of our self that emerges that is far more beautiful than any car, hair style, clothes or job could ever project.
Change is hard. But there is beauty in change. Growth comes from change. How can we evolve and grow if we are too afraid of change to ever step out of our comfort zone?
Every year, I do not set a New Year's resolution. A resolution is defined as the action of solving a problem. A resolution is about fixing a "problem"! But instead, I set an intention. An intention is a thing intended, aim or plan, or the healing process of a wound. How beautiful is that? That thing you always want to change about you, maybe it is not a problem. Maybe it is a deep rooted wound that needs healing. Maybe it is your weight that you always want to "fix." A weight "problem"? Perhaps, look deeper, what is the wound associated with the "problem"? Are you afraid of judgment? Is it poor self-esteem? Instead of setting a resolution to lose weight, maybe this year your intention could be self-love, or health. I choose one word or one phrase. Last year, my intention was to be more present and to be more aware of God's presence. That brought me to this year's intention...Surrender. So what will be your word or your phrase? Happiness. Surrender. Let attachments go. Whatever your word or phrase is, just remember, be kind to your self. Love your self deeply. Accept your self, release your self judgment. Then, maybe we can be a gentle mirror to those around us, reflecting self love and self acceptance. Maybe then the world could be a more beautiful and kind place. Happy new years! May it find you with the best of intentions.
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