Grace For Me, From me.

"You shouldn't have gone in there.  I told you not to go in there.  She get's angry.  She has a temper."  These were the words that my 8 year old spoke to my five year old daughter after she ran from the kitchen.  She was running because I yelled.  Again.  This was last night.  Those words stabbed me in the heart, knotting me up inside.  I physically cringed at those words.  Is that how they really see me?  Is that how they feel about me?  Do I have a wild temper so commonly that my son's first reaction is to utter those words?  I am trying to change this.  I know I have a temper, but I hadn't realized how prevalent it had been in the last 3 months until those words crossed his little lips.

Remember my last post?  The one about spreading kindness, recognizing the hurt in others?  Well, I am still learning.  Sometimes I stumble, fall.  Sometimes I fail, fall flat on my face.  But I keep trying.

I have the spirit of a ferocious warrior.  Often unyielding.  Harsh.  But I have another piece of me that is also very predominate.  Often I put up a façade of armor, including but not limited to my smile of hidden pain,  my jacket of deception, my boots of anger.  I have my father's temper, though most would never believe that he had one.  I guess he too has mastered the art of armor façade.

I should be clothing myself in love, in the armor of God.  Clothe myself in righteousness and truth.  I hate my temper.  I hate my bitterness.  I earnestly pray for God to  take more of me out and to pour more of Him into me.  I try to combat Satan in my life by praying and reading the Word of God.  Arming myself with the power of the cross, dressed in robes of absolution, fighting FROM victory, not FOR it.  (A lesson I learned, through tears, at church last Sunday.)  But I am me.  I am imperfect and harsh and right now, in this season, I am bearing the weight of grief through anger.  Justified or not, it is a tool that Satan uses against me.  A tool that I will not sharpen any longer.  It is a tool that I am surrendering to God.  I don't want to be sharp and hurtful.

I am trying to learn to be more gentle.  More gentle with my children.  More gentle with myself.  But I wrestle with myself.  In these moments, I know that the "What Would Jesus Do" answer would be to breath, pray and respond in love.  But my human, failing self, the piece that Satan preys on, the part of me that wins more often than I would like to admit, that piece answers with grimace, scolding and anger.  And then the vicious cycle begins.  I answer in anger, I loathe myself, I pray for forgiveness, I ask my kids for forgiveness, they shower me in love, I go back to the kitchen to only respond in anger again an hour later. 

This is a process that I repeat over and over.  It is a trial that God has me repeat over and over again.  It is like the "Friends" Phoebe Buffay song, "Lather, rinse, repeat.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Lather, rinse, repeeeeeeat.  AS NEEDED!"  It is a trial that I will continue to repeat until I have learned my lesson.  When I learn to respond not in anger, but in love, when I surrender, the trial will pass and peace will replace the anger.

Sometimes I justify that anger.  After all, I am a stay at home, home schooling mom, working my tail off, FOR THEM.  Am I justified in my anger in not having 5 minutes of peace?  Even after they are in bed, after the 89 trips back up the stairs in response to all the "Mommy Calls," I collapse, exhausted and unable to formulate words, much less any physical motion, onto the sofa, begging the universe for a little bit of peace, only to find my mind way to busy planning tomorrow and the next day and the next, to be able to even appreciate the quiet that I may just be able to grasp ahold of right this very second if only I was quiet enough to see it!  But in the quiet, thoughts of deception float in, seeding themselves deep in my subconscious.  Memories of "should be's" and "have to be's" creep in and remind me, that no matter how I respond, I will probably just fail again anyways, so why bother?

Facebook and Pinterest shows us what everyone wants you to perceive as "perfection" in their lives.  It gives us impossible standards to live up to.  I see all of these other women home schooling their kids and their Instagram photos show peaceful kids, neatly copying their handwriting assignments on perfectly white paper, in tidy little living rooms, unassisted and think, "Why can't I achieve that?"  I see "pins" of unnaturally neat houses, riddled with children, perfectly framed art on the walls, savory dinners on their tables and think, "What am I doing wrong?"  People post their "perfect" selfies on Facebook and I think, "I wish I could look like that."  On Facebook, there are thousands of photos of couple staring lovingly into each other's eyes and I think, "My marriage is far from perfect."  Look at the cover of any women's magazine and the most predominant image will be of a stick thin model type, in too-tight clothes, perfectly straight hair, cheek bones sky- high and legs for days and I think, "I will NEVER live up to that!"  But what we don't see, what we fail to realize is that these too are facades.  How many selfies did that girl take and deem "un-postable" before she got "just the right shot''?  That perfect-looking living room was a staged shot with white carpet, and really, who has white carpets when they have kids?  That picture-worthy home school family, that little slice of "perfectness" lasted all of about 30 seconds when mom bribed them with cookies after they took that "natural" photo, all the while, the kitchen behind the camera looks like a science fair project gone awry!  That model, maybe she purges to have her body be "cover-ready" and maybe she feels a little bit of shame every time she even THINKS of indulging in a little sweet treat.  That picture perfect couple, maybe their marriage is on the rocks and that photo is their way of projecting to the world that everything is just fine! 

We have these pre-conceived notions drilled into our brains from an early start that we should hide our fears and pain, not to air our dirty laundry.  It is embedded into us what a lady is supposed to dress like, act like, talk like, be like.  You know what, my friend recently said it well, I love Jesus, but just maybe I want to cuss a little!  I can be a lady AND wear jeans to church.  I can homeschool my kids AND long for a 9-4 break every now and then!  I can be attractive AND not be a 00.  I can be a loving wife AND still screw up and be rude everyday when my husband comes home and I am exhausted.  I can have a loving, nurturing home AND have it be a mess with toys askew and dishes running amuck.  I can be an amazing mom AND lose my cool in anger occasionally. 

Why are we so hard on ourselves?  When did it become NOT OKAY for us, as women, as moms, as wives, to stop and breath and take time for ourselves, to fill our cup?  When did everyone else become more important than ourselves?  Just because we are a Christian, a mom, a wife, a daughter, an employee, a friend, a sister, a care-taker, a church member, a youth leader, a basketball coach, a volunteer, a girl-scout leader, whatever it is that you have found that you yourself have become, doesn't mean that we aren't important!!! 

Society is screaming to tell us that we are not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not successful enough, not fulfilled enough...buy this, come here, go there, buy that, be this, become that.  We have forgotten what OUR dreams and desires look like.  They are not what everyone else tells us they should be, they are not found in keeping up with the Joneses.  Often times our dreams can be found where our gifts lie.

Part of our calling is to use our God-given gifts.  We all have them.  We need just tune in, recognize them, tap into and use them.  Just because someone else tells you that something in particular isn't your gift, doesn't mean that God hasn't put it on your heart that it IS your gift!!!  We need to stop letting everyone else tell us who we are, who we can be, what we want, or how to get it. 

If I think that God has granted me with the gift of  a voice and I love to sing, but everyone else tells me that my gift is ACTUALLY archery, they are dis-servicing me!  We can find dreams in our passions and gifts.  Even if other people do not see our gifts as gifts, but we feel it, we need to follow that in service to God.  It is not for other people to tell me that my gift is not actually my gift, that I am better suited in another area.  Perhaps you may think it, perhaps you may even tell me that you think I may have ANOTHER gift, but don't tell me that my gift that I feel in my heart is a God-given gift isn't my gift!  If I decide that Archery is my gift and I want to go and start a career in archery, well then that is my decision too.  But I don't need anyone telling me!  We are grown people and we can make that decision on our own. 

After my grandmother passed, so many people told me that I should go to nursing school, that I had missed my calling.  Even her Hospice nurse told me that I could have a great career as a nurse and that he would write me a gleaming letter of recommendation. But guess what?   I flat out told EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM that they were WRONG!  What I did for her was a heart thing.  A God thing.  She cared for me, fed me, bathed me, loved me.  So I felt that it was right to do the same things for her.  God put it on my heart to spend those days caring for her.  It was something my husband did not understand.  It required that I transfer much of my undivided attention away from our kids to her.  It required long days and sometimes all night care, away from home, my husband and kids.  It was often strenuous work, physically and emotionally.  But it was something that I knew I had to do.  Something that I could only EVER do for her.  I can not honestly say that I know that I could ever do it again, for anyone.  It took a toll.  It made her passing easier.  And it made her passing harder.  I had no regrets when she passed.  I knew that I had given her my all.  All my heart.  All my time.  All my love.  But it also gave me a great emptiness and huge chunks of my days after felt unfulfilling, even with my kids when she was gone. 

I could have listened to everyone and said, "Why, yes, I think you are right!  I did miss my calling.  I would be great at it!"  But I know myself well enough to know that they were not right.  Maybe I would have been good at it.  I would have hated it, but maybe I really would have been good at it.  But, I don't want to live a life doing what other people want me to do, living the dreams that they have built for me, singing the songs and dancing the dances that they want me to preform.  I want to do me.  I want to be me.  I want to fill my desires and dreams with the peace of knowing that it is a calling that God wants for me.  Not anyone else.

I also think that our gifts grow and contract and change with our ever changing seasons of life.  Perhaps God had given me the gift of caring for my grandmother when that season in my life called for it.  That gift served a purpose.  I did it and I did it well.   It served me, it served my grandmother, mostly though, it served God because I got to share Jesus and the gospel with her in those days.  I got to pray over her and I solemnly swear that I believe that I prayed her into the presence of the Lord on August 28th when I finally surrendered her to God.  But now, that gift, the gift of care-taking, no longer serves me.  It no longer serves a purpose in my new season of life.  Like the leaves that change on a tree with the season, they eventually fall away, and new growth occurs and new buds sprout, eventually new leaves take their place and begin the changing, shedding process all over again.  Like the leaves, our gifts, too, can change and grow and fall away.  New life can spring forth when we shed those old things, making room for new healthy, robust and evolving growth.

I am not quite sure what my new gift is just yet.  I am still shedding my leaves of the last season.  I don't think I have any noticeable growth yet.  I am preparing for the long, barren winter, shaking the last of those leaves off, readying myself for the harshness that the cold winter months can bring.  But come Spring, you can be sure that my buds will bloom, from the ashes will come beauty, new life with spring forth, new hope will arise and my leaves will be ever present again.  What they will look like, I am unsure, but I know that they will be beautiful.  They will be plentiful.  I know that they will serve a purpose.  I know that my leaves will provide shade from someone else's sweltering heat.  I know that I will draw up nourishment from my roots and life-giving water will course through me, to each new leaf, opening it up to the sky.  Those leaves will also help me collect water, strengthening me, as I strengthen them.  I will reach to the sky, branches lifted high, praising the God who made me.  But even still, those leaves, too, shall pass and another new season will show its self.  It is in these bare seasons that we must not break down, but break free. 

It is in these season changes that it is often the most difficult for us to identify ourselves.  We know who we were, who we want to be, but not who we are now.  When our leaves fall, when we are left with nothing but our bare bones, we must find our strength, discover and be proud of who we are at the core, when we are not able to hide behind our foliage any more, when our facades are stripped.  It is in these times that we need to have a little bit more grace for ourselves.  Gently remind ourselves that we are free and perfect and that sometimes when it seems that we have no gifts left at all, that life its self is gift enough.  That we are enough.  Our very existence is a gift.  If we could grant ourselves a little bit of grace, be like a tree and bend with the wind, rooted in Christ, then even during these season changes, we can stand tall, unshaken yet flexible.

I am learning to have more grace for myself.  God has incredible grace for me, every single day.  Even when I don't deserve it.  Especially when I don't deserve it.  I am working on being more graceful towards others, too.  Forgiving as I am forgiven.  But I am not the most graceful version of myself that I could be.  But I try.  I try to remember that I am in a season of change in my life, that I am not perfect, neither is anyone else.  That only true perfection is in Jesus.  I can't be perfect, but I can be as most like Jesus as I can be.  I can breath and pray and have grace.  I can remember that I am a gift and I was formed with the Perfect Hand of God.  And THAT is enough.

Kindness

A few months back, we challenged our Senior High Youth Group to preform Random Acts of Kindness.  They made "Love Bombs" or little positive notes of encouragement to hand to random people, to leave on cars, to drop in someone's bag, etc.  They paid it forward by pitching in a few dollars to leave at the register of a local café to brighten someone's day when they had their coffee paid for.  They brought in donations to fill a "Thank You" basket for the local fire department.  They served lunch to the homeless.  They have served.  They have prayed.  They have paid it forward.  They have preformed MANY R.A.K.  My purpose here is not to brag.  My purpose here is not to boast.  My purpose here is of sharing a simple message of HOPE.  The message is this:  KINDNESS.  Undeserved, unrestrained, unasked for, simple KINDNESS.

The world would be a much better place if people were only a little kinder.  Kindness can be simple.  It can be heart-warming.  It can be life-changing.  It can be a blessing.  Kindness is not something that requires great time or thought or planning or money.  Kindness can be something so simple that it seems trivial to you, unimportant or unnoticed.  But, it is also something that when we are granted by someone else, can make us open our eyes.  Kindness can open our heart to expanding and releasing the love of Jesus that is innately instilled in each of our hearts.  We can reach the depths of someone else's being by  being kind to a stranger or extending a helping hand.  Kindness grows and extends well beyond the stranger for whom you held the door. 

Imagine this:  You see a stranger headed for the exit door at the mall.  It is a mom with hand loaded with shopping bags and a tantruming toddler.  Now I think lots of people could look past this woman, not see her need at all.  Some people may see her child and think, "She has her hands full.  What a brat that kid is.  Control that thing!"  Some people may even pity her.  But, who would go out of their own way to run ahead and hold the door for her?  Who would catch the mother's eye, walk up and say, "I sympathize, it's okay.  I've been there.  It's okay.  We are all just doing our best, anyways, right?  Have a nice afternoon." 

Or how about this scenario:  The little old man, sitting by himself at the restaurant you are having lunch at.  Who would notice his WWII Veteran hat?  Who would notice him spinning his wedding ring round his finger while sitting alone?  Imagine you pay for his lunch without expecting a thank you in return or expecting to receive gratification or for someone else to "pay it back" to you.  Imagine you walk by and introduce yourself, only to find out that his wife who he met during the war has recently passed away after a marriage that lasted 50 years.  Imagine you ask him if he would like to join your family for lunch?

Sometimes we all feel invisible to the rest of the world.  We are all so caught up in these busy lives of ours, buying the next "best" thing, moving from one place to the next, never really seeing each other.  Never really taking notice of the hurt around us.  Never noticing the needs of people around us.  The rat-race that we have shaped our lives into these days are not conducive to happy, fulfilled, well adjusted people.  We all have our stuff.  We have our pain, we have our needs, we have desires and dreams.  What if we slowed down, just every now and then, even?  What if we sought the sick?  What if we sought the hurting?  What if we sought those who had needs that we just can't see?  We could see our neighbor, our cousin,  a friend, a stranger, ourselves, even.

Haven’t we all been in need at some point in our lives, anyways?  In need of a hug.  In need of a helping hand.  In need of a shoulder to cry on.  In need of a good night’s sleep.  In need of food on the table.  In need of heat in the cold.  In need of a Christmas gift for a child.  In need of help to make rent.  In need of a friend.  In need of water.  In need, in need, in need. 

We all have unfulfilled needs from time to time.  Some have needs greater than others.  But, we all have them.  Instead of criticizing someone for asking for help in their time of need, what if we out stretched our hand and gave what we could.  If all you have to offer is a kind word, positive thought or a prayer, sometimes that is enough.  If you were in need, and we all have been, wouldn’t you want a stranger or a loved one or a friend to reach out to you?  Yes?  No?  Instead, most of us are too consumed with pride to even ask for help.  We hide behind our masks of bravery and “suck it up” and pretend that everything is okay.  Then when we see someone asking for genuine help, we look at them as if they are weak, not good enough.  We assume they are taking advantage of the few kind-hearted people out there who are willing to help.  We assume that they are not working hard enough.  Perhaps some people are taking advantage.  But, imagine...What if they are TRULY in need of your help? 

Would you walk passed your own child seeking a warm place to sleep on the street?  Would you walk passed your own mother sitting on the curb in a parking lot, alone and crying?  Would you walk passed your own beloved grandmother who was grieving alone?  Would you walk passed your own Pastor who had just lost his daughter in war?  Would you walk passed your own friend who's child had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness?  Would you walk passed your own self if your hand was reaching out at the local food bank, asking for food to fill your belly?

I would hope the answer would be "No."  But in reality, we answer "Yes" to this question every day.  Each time we drive passed someone begging for money on the street.  Each time we withhold our precious pennies from the Santa pail at the mall.  Each time we keep our own cans on our own shelves in our own pantry.  Each time we don't pick up the phone to call and check in with the people we know are going through a loss or a divorce.  Every time that we don't hug our child because we think that they are just "over reacting."  Each time we don't hold the door for the people behind us.

Kindness is something that we can extend just by saying hello.  Let's backtrack to the scenario where the mom is trying to leave the mall with her bags and screaming toddler.  Now, imagine that you don't just hold the door for her.  Imagine that once you do that for her, she remember that she is not alone.  Imagine that now when she goes home, she realizes that because she is not alone, she is stronger than her addiction and she doesn't pick up a bottle.  Imagine, instead of that drink that she then sits on the floor with that toddler of hers and they share an afternoon of reading and snuggles.  Instead of hours of screaming, back and forth, that they are now settled in peace with each other, soothing the hurts of one another. 

But, also imagine this.  When you held the door for her, another random stranger saw your simple, random act of kindness.  Then, said stranger decided to pay it forward because of YOUR act.  The stranger then leaves the mall, spots a soldier at dinner and anonymously pays for his dinner.  Then said soldier, pays it forward.  And that person pays it forward.  And them and them.  It spreads like wildfire.  Kindness is consuming the planet!  And soon the entire world is bound up in streams of flowing grace and kindness.  And then maybe there is no more war.  And maybe no one goes to bed hungry.  And no one is cold.  And no one feels alone.  Suddenly, these things don't seem so unattainable to me.  By opening my eyes to kindness, by holding out my hand, by offering my kind word, by saying a prayer, by dropping my change into the donation bucket, I am spreading my kindness like wildfire, one little spark at a time.  I am blessing others.  I am fanning the flame.  I am blessing others and they are blessing others.  And it is growing, flames of kindness are licking at the heels of others, leaping up to their hearts.  And they are blessing others. 

I can be a catalyst for kindness and love.  And sure, I may never bring on world peace by buying someone else's coffee.  But, hey.  Maybe I can help breed a kind of peace and kindness in my little corner of the world that wasn't there before.

So, in this Christmas season, I challenge you.  I challenge you to seek the hurting, seek the lost, seek the needy.  We are ALL hurting and lost and needy.  (This shouldn’t be too hard!!!)  We just don’t like to admit it!  Find one person that you can help.  Whether they ask for it or not, help someone.  Say a prayer for a friend that you know if going through a hard time.  Send a tray of cookies to a struggling single mom.  Help the old woman in the parking lot load her groceries in her car and return her cart.  Help the little boy lost in the store find his mama.  Throw your pocket change into the Santa pail.  Forgo your morning Starbucks and donate that money to a cause you love.  Pay it forward, leave an extra dollar or two at the register for the next person buying their donut.  Send your positive thoughts to victims of mass tragedies.  Thank a soldier for their service.  Ask an older veteran how they are doing.  Drop by to visit your neighbor, recently widowed by her life -long husband.  Tell the cashier at Wal-Mart thank you.  Hug your kid who got her feelings hurt on the bus.  Tell your Pastor that he gave a great sermon. 

Our words are more harmful than beneficial today.  Social media brings out the worst in most people.  Our time is seen better spent on consumerism than genuine relationships.  If we could just get over our pride, swallow our fear of the uncomfortable, and open up our hearts without the fear of rejection or judgement, we might just find that there are still FAR more good people in this world than we realize.  We need only to ask, “What is it that I can do to help you?”  After all, one day, you may need to ask, “Can you help me?”

Finding Me

"Nature heals."  These words keep reverberating in my mind.  I recently went on a 3 day women's backpacking trip with 8 other women to the Shenandoah State Park.  We hiked Mt. Catlett and camped in the forest for 2 glorious nights. 

Saturday, day 2, was a grueling hike, straight up the side of the mountain.  There were several stream crossings, steep inclines and places where I felt my body would fail me.  It was in those moments of fear and self-doubt that I called upon God to give me the power and strength and courage to carry on.  A little after lunch time on Saturday, we reached our peak altitude or about 2,500 feet.  I climbed a mountain!  What??!!  I never dreamed that such strength dwelled in me!  Self-actualization number 1!  I am created to live without fear, to be a pillar of strength, filled with Spirit of the Lord, my God!

On Saturday night, night two, a small group of the women and I sat around 2 tiny tea-light candles and a lavender incense stick.  By the moon light, we talked of our souls.  We talked about our struggles as mamas to babes.  We spoke of our connectedness to the earth and our desires.  We opened our hearts and let life connections flow.  Truly long lost soul sisters, we found grace and understanding.  That circle was a safe place.  The stream water flowed just behind us.  Like that flowing stream, living water, life giving nourishment bubbled up inside of me.  Renewing my spirit. 

Sunday morning we set out down the mountain towards our destination, eyes set on homeward bound vehicles.  Vehicles.  It has dawned on me recently that that is what we truly are.  Vehicles.  The body is a vehicle for the soul.  It carries us through life until we reach our final destination in life.  These bodies of ours are simply a means to an end.   An eternal end.  Carrying us through life, being maintained, using energy to propel us forward.  This vehicle of mine, a temple of Holy dwelling for the Spirit of my God. 

On the hike out Sunday morning, most of the women packed out at their own pace.  Many footsteps separated us.  As our feet fell upon the earth, distances grew.  In those few hours, I was able to pray about all of the hurts I have been clinging to.  I had been feeling justified, holding onto my grief, allowing it to rule me.  Holding it tight, but never really feeling it.  This trip had forced me to face dealing with those emotions.  To really feel them.  They had been there all along.  They were present.  But I had not truly let myself experience the depth that they had run.  I had them, but had not truly felt them.  I had been numb.  I had forgotten my own inner strength, the divine strength that lies within.  Strength that carries us on, even in the face of great sorrow and heart break.

When I packed out, I was alone with my thoughts and feeling.  For the first time, I was forced to face my own inner-demons.  However deep and true and painful they be, there I was, alone to face them in the way I choose.  I had a choice.  I could choose to continue to suppress them, burying them in the forest under mounds of trees and fresh air, in the beauty that was surrounding me.  Or I could acknowledge their presence, feel them and release them into the great unknown.  Surrendering them to God. 

Surrender.

It is a word that keeps finding me.  In books that I pick up.  In a show that I watch.  In the quiet words God speaks to me in the late, quiet hours of the night.  Surrender.  To me, that word always meant giving up control.  I like control.  I like things just so.  My way or no way.  It has gotten me into trouble in childhood, in my marriage and as a mother.  Mostly, it has been something that God keeps urging me to do.  After all, I am a Christian and deep in my heart I already truly know that I am not in control.  It is God who is in control.  He who cares so for each little Sparrow, does he not care more for me?  Creator of the Heavens and the Earth.  Maker of the stars.  Crafter of the womb.  He who is in control of the world is also in control of me.  Surrender.  There is great power in surrender.  It is in surrender that miracles happen.

I choose surrender.  My emotions overwhelmed me.  As I felt each one, I simply acknowledged that it was okay to feel it.  I did not let them control me.  I felt it and I let it pass away.  Surrendering it to God, giving it to the tree tops, releasing it to flow downstream. 

As I let the things go that had been weighing me down, I felt renewed, refreshed, filled.  I began to feel lighter, almost as if I was floating out of the park, feet off the ground.  So I began to marvel at the mystery of God, His undeniable power to heal and to lead us on the paths of righteousness with the souls who can feed us.  So I lifted my spirit and my praises to He who is ALWAYS faithful.  I worshipped the Lord with songs of Surrender and Thanksgiving. 

As my feet carried me forward, heart lifted high, I took notice to little things that otherwise may have gone unnoticed.  As I continued to pray and worship, I stopped to take notice of the flowing water.  With the waters rushing on, strong currents carrying the waters downward, rooted deep within, a small barren tree was holding strong.  I don't think anyone else would have stopped to admire or even notice that tree.  It was not particularly large or beautiful or majestic. But God had me take notice, to teach me something that I long ago forgot.  No matter how small, a tree can be mighty and strong.  When the currents of life are raging, if we dig deep, root ourselves in the strong foundations of the earth, into the love of a God who never leaves us, we can stand strong, unwavering.  Even when we stand alone, naked and bare, vulnerable, we have strong, deep roots that hold us up.  The job of a root is to draw up nourishment from the earth, but also to help hold up only a small piece of the earth.

I take on everyone else's feeling and problems, a bit of an empath, at times.  I sense other's anger and bitterness, sadness and un-fulfillment.  I carry it on my back, feeling he weight of the world.  I feed off of the energy of others, positive or negative.  I feed off of the feeling of insecurities and self-doubt.  Just the same, I can fly high of their feelings of enlightenment and fulfillment, happiness and serenity.  But, I am also a problem fixer.  And when my gift of empathy fails me to fix the problems of others, I can not bare the wounds and scars that accumulate.  But on that day, I realized that it is not my responsibility to hold up the world.  My roots were made, by the care of the Creator, to only hold up my piece of the earth.  To hold up my own being, to nourish my soul, to feed the souls in my marriage and of my children. 

Even a solitary tree, wrought with guilt and shame, hanging on in the gales of swift currents, can be fruitful with strong roots. I have strong root in my God and faith and trust in Jesus.  I have deep root in my family and the ones who love me, hold me up, those present and long after those who have passed.  I have unyielding root in friendships that God has placed in my path, friends and long lost soul sisters who fill my cup.  I have an undeniable root in the earth, created by God to nourish our souls and bodies.  Root.  Also appointed as my trail name...Root.

After we all made it back to the parking lot, we circled up one last time as a powerful group of strong women.  We shared chocolate and once again, we shared our hearts.  It seemed as if almost everyone shared that the solitary hike out was their favorite part of the whole weekend.  Healing was found.  Worship was had.  Meditation was experienced.  Baptism of the waters was received.  Breath of life was felt.  Emotions were released.  Truths were embraced.  Souls were renewed.  Selves were found.

It was a sweet, kind-hearted sister, named Stephanie who spoke these ever true words during that final circle, "Nature heals."  And her words were true.  They rang loud and they rang clear and true.  Nature had healed me.  God had used His marvelous Creation to restore my soul.  In the woods I had found peace.  I found inner strength.  I found hope to carry on in the midst of grief.  I found myself.  I found the me that had been lost, long ago, suppressed deep beneath the layers of built up emotions and pains and lies and experiences and life.  The self-inflicted un-truths that we allow ourselves to believe, they bury our true selves, far beneath the surface, unable to re-surface until we face the pains deep within.

Another souls sister, also named Stephanie, or Web Weaver,  talked of her walk to loving her own "me." This was a concept that was foreign to me.  I am an insecure self-doubter.  It is something that I have since thought long and hard about. I have come to self-actualization number 2.  My highest potential is to embrace the "me" that God has designed.  To be all that He has called me to be.  And THAT takes work!

It is a time consuming work.  It is a work of wonder and self-realization and self-actualization.  It is a work of facing fears and coming to terms with heart aches and vulnerabilities.  It is a work of surrender and finding roots.  It is a work of healing.  It is a work that is necessary.  It is a work that I often neglect, reasoning that my time is better spend on the needs of other people, justifying that we are called to lift others up, to put the needs of other's first, making ourselves last, that in Heaven those who do so will be rewarded.  But I have come to the realization that in order to be well enough, emotionally, physically, spiritually, to put others first, I must first do the messy self work in order to be the best version of me that God created me to be to serve others.  It is okay to fill our own needs.  How can we serve and lift other beings up if we are not even strong enough to hold our selves up?  But also, that when we are even too weak to hold ourselves up, we have a loving, pillar of strength to carry us on.  God. 

We do not need to try to carry on in this life in our own power and strength.  We need divine versions of these things to make it to the finish line of life.  I am secure enough to admit that my power is not enough.  My strength is not enough.  Prayer is strength.  Prayer moves mountains.  Prayer heals.  Prayer opens us up to the miracles of strength and power and healing and security.

We live in a very broken world, a world that will not carry on forever.  Living in such brokenness calls for us to be salt and light.  Be the change.  Be a ray of hope.  Be a beacon of love.  Let your roots expand to help those around you stand upright in rushing currents.  Dig deep.  Surrender.

I still feel the pain of grief, I am gently reminding myself that it is okay.  I still struggle with taking time for myself, I am gently reminding myself that it is okay.  I still am working toward self-acceptance and finding the "new normal" of my life, I am gently reminding myself that it is okay.  But from this trip, I came home on a high.  A spiritual, righteous high, only which I can describe as  a spiritual awakening, a spiritual surrender, found only by rooting myself faithfully in the love of the Father.

So my prayer for each of you, is that you would take the not only well-deserved, but needed time to do the inner works of your own soul, to find your roots, to surrender your life to a greater power and ultimately to find your healing.  Be it in the middles of the woods after climbing a mountain, or in the quiet of your living room after the littles have fallen fast asleep.  Take the time, open your heart, lift your troubles to a greater power than yourself.  Lastly, be willing to accept the miracles that are going to follow!  Love and light.

Are Smart Toys REALLY Smart?

When we were kids, my brother and cousins and I spent HOURS, literal HOURS, playing outside.  We played tag and flashlight tag.  We played Cops and Robbers.  (Side note:  even though my kids know this game, I can't even let them play it in public for fear of being labeled as "Violent" children!)  We played baseball (that never fared well for my brother; he had an eye for bees' nests!).  We would pick flowers and mix “potions”; we picked apples from our grandmothers’ trees and fed the cows.  We (and by “we,” I mean everyone that knew how, not including me!) would ride bikes.  We spent entire snow days outside, building snowmen, throwing snowballs and sledding down our grandmothers’ deck stairs!  We would play in the cornfields and woods.  We spent so much time OUTSIDE that when we would finally come inside, we would all just crash!

Somewhere along the line, things changed.  Kids today spend hours in front of screens.  TV screens.  Video game screens.  E-reader screens.  Computer screens.  Watch screens.  Phone screens.  Toy screens.  It seems that almost every “hot ticket” toy on the market today has some sort of screen.  Heck, even reading has gained a screen! 

What ever happened to cracking open a good book?  What happened to tag?  Do kids today even know what mud feels like, squished between their bare toes?  Could our kids ever find their way about in the woods?  Are their bodies capable of climbing a tree?

The question, now, is how can we combat this screen- embracing generation of play?

One easy way is to get them outside!

Not only is the fresh air good for them, but studies have proven major health benefits that come from being outside.  Did you know being outside benefits you because:

*You soak up good, ol’ Vitamin D, shown to help prevent Diabetes, MS, Heart Disease, even Cancer

*Better eye health!  Being in front of a screen can cause “Computer Vision” and artificial lights can cause nearsightedness

*Circadian (sun) rhythms = better sleep!  Get out in the sun, the natural light cues can help reset your internal “clock”

*Clean, fresh air…need I say more?

*Earthing, absorbing naturally occurring electrons from the earth, done by putting bare feet to earth, helps you feel more energized and “grounded,” go figure!

*Exercise.  Get outside.  Run.  Jump.  Skip.  Frolic.  Climb.  Do something.

*Psychological help.  Can you be really angry when you are staring at God’s marvelous creation?  After my Grandmother passed, we headed straight to the beach.  I needed to feel overwhelmed by something greater than my grief.  What is any bigger than His Ocean?  Breathe deep.

Notes above on health benefits from: http://appalachiantrials.com/scientifically-supported-reasons-get-outside/

It is sad to think…Kids today don’t even know the lost art of Red Rover or Clean Out Your Own Backyard!

Besides being locked up, indoors, in front of a screen, there is something else to be said for children today.  They don’t know how to play.

In a single day, I cannot tell you how many photos I see on Facebook of children... sitting in front of screens.  Some people are showing us their INFANTS in front of the screens.  Why does a baby need to watch TV?  This is a learned behavior.  Kids do not come into this world thinking, “Gee, I’d really love to watch some Sesame Street before I learn to roll over.” Often times, we plop our kids in front of a screen because it is the easiest way to find 5 minutes to get anything accomplished.  I am guilty of this, too.  When you have not showered in 2 days and the laundry is so piled up, we need a few minutes to get things done.  But, when did we decide that the TV was a babysitter?  When did we decide that the TV was better for our kids than teaching them to occupy themselves?  We are setting our kids up for failure.  They need not always be entertained. 

Kids today do not know how to play.  They have a constant need for our attention, approval, help, guidance, assistance.  When did we start thinking for our kids?  They are innately smart and independent.  They are each born with talents and gifts from God.  They may not all thrive at exactly the same things.  One child may be a gifted reader that thoroughly enjoys succumbing to another world within those pages.  Another child may find great pleasure in building with blocks and Legos, dreaming up big cities with towers and bridges.  Certain children find release in art, creating the next Mona Lisa.  Given the chance, kids can find their own joy.  We can give our children that gift by stepping back.  Allow free play and open access to materials.  We can, in turn, give ourselves a 10 minute, uninterrupted shower!

We need to give our kids the freedom to learn through play, to make mistakes, to make messes, to figure out solutions on their own.  We need not always jump right in.  “Well, Mommy, I don’t know how to…” or “But, Mommy, what should I…”  Given the time and opportunity, (Supervised, yes.  Led, no.) those statements can turn into “Mommy, look what I did!” and “Mommy, I figured it out!”

These are valuable life lessons that we need to start instilling in our children early on.  There will not always be someone there to figure it out for you.  There will not always be someone there to fix it for you.  You are all thinking, “But I am their mom!  Of course I will always be there!”  But, one day, you may not.  We are never guaranteed a single day more upon this earth with our precious babes.  How can we help them today to prepare them for a day in the future when we may not be there to help?

The next time you think you need to step in and show your kids how to build that fort or which art supplies are best, STOP.  Take a breath.  They may just surprise you.  After all, you would not want to interrupt DaVinci’s next master piece, now would you?

Purity

There is something to be said about quality in this day and age.  Our society is all about the quickest, most cost effective alternative to anything and everything.  We don't eat real food, we eat processed junk disguised at food.  We wear synthetic materials instead of cotton and wool.  We put lotions and soaps on our bodies that are chock full of chemicals that are like poison to our bodies.  People fill their bodies with manufactured drugs and booze.  God has given us all of the answers.  He created the world to support and sustain us. So why, then, do we have the need to fill ourselves with all of the ickiness that is offered to us?

Our bodies are designed to be temples.  We house the Holy Spirit of God within us.  I don't know about you, but I want to give God my best, because He gave us His best, when He gave the world the sacrifice of His one and only Son.  I want to give God a dwelling place in my body that is clean and pure, not just in spirit, but in physicality.  I can't imagine wrapping God up in chemical gunk when everything He created is natural and pure in every form.

Perhaps, part of the problem is our greedy economy.  A salad at any given fast food establishment is close to $7, while a greasy hamburger or pack of nuggets, filled with who knows what kind of mystery meat costs only $.99.  A bottle of pure water can cost $2-3 but a soda is only $1.  Pure essential oils are pricey, some, like Rose for instance, can cost well over $100 per 5 ml bottle, while you can buy diluted, synthetic oils at the local grocery store for no more than $5.  We can buy a new pair of ripped jeans, dyed with chemicals with $20 while organic cotton or wool clothing, even for infants, can cost $40-50 per item.

Take a moment and take a mental inventory of all of the products you use in your home.

*cleaners
*soaps and shampoos
*laundry detergent
*packaged food
*plastic cups
*creams and lotions
*toys
*clothing
*soda and juice
*gum
*essential oils
*medication
*air fresheners
*flea collars
*candles
*hand sanitizer
*deodorant

Do you know what these products all contain?  Do you know what you are putting into your body?  Your kids' bodies?  Do you know what you are exposed to or breathing in?

Did you know, many of the brands of apple juice on the market today contain formaldehyde?

Did you know, even when their bottles are closed, chemical cleaners put off toxic fumes into the air?

Did you know, every product that you apply to your skin is absorbed into your blood stream?

Did you know, plastic is a known carcinogen, a cancer causing material?

Did you know, gum is made with a form of plastic?

Did you know, chemicals in laundry detergent linger on your clothes and can absorb into your skin?

These are just a few examples of how these toxins work their way into your body, usually without you even knowing or thinking about it.

There are so many alternatives to these cheap and unhealthy toxins that we have in our lives.  Getting them out of our lives can be a simple process.  While it may seem overwhelming when you start thinking about life style changes, it really doesn't have to be.  It does not have to be a daunting task, and it can be cost-effective, as well.

So how is it possible?  Here are some tips and tricks.

*Shop local.  Buying organic food does not have to push you over your grocery budget.  Buying fruits and veggies from your local farmer or farmers market, not only helps support and grow local small businesses, but it also helps keep your costs low.  You can buy local in peek season and even can or freeze that fresh produce for the winter months.  Organic produce is the purist form of food that we can nourish our bodies with.

*Gardening.  This is an amazing learning experience for children and adults, alike.  Learning where and how your food comes from, the process beginning to end, seed to table, is valuable.  You can even harvest seeds from your own grown produce to keep for starters the following year.  Purity and sustainability.  Here is a link for "Green" gardening tips.  http://www.treehugger.com/htgg/how-to-go-green-gardening.html

*Check local discount stores.  We have several little discount places local to our house.  Aldi Market, D&K, Big Lots, Ollies... all of these stores usually have organic products at way below retail value from other stores.  Make sure you just check expiration dates at places like these.

*Make your own!  This is an option for SO many of the products that you use in your home.  You can make laundry detergent for pennies on the dollar per load.  You can make your own foaming hand soaps from castile soap.  Counter cleaner can be made with water and essential oils.  Vinegar and baking soda are common household staples that can be utilized in many ways for natural home cleaner recipes.  You can make your own candles from local beeswax.  You can whip up homemade butter in about 6 minutes with a food processor.  For recipes, here is a link to my favorite of all of my Pintrest boards.  https://www.pinterest.com/britshepperd/homemade/

*Consider essential oils.  There is hardly anything that I can think of in our home that we have not replaced for essential oils.  But again, quality is key.  Pure, therapeutic-grade essential oils are key.  We only use Young Living essential oils.  Their "Seed to Seal" guarantee was the "selling point" for me.  Here is a link for more on that.  http://seedtoseal.com/en

*Replace your oils, butter, toothpaste and face cream with coconut oil.  Coconut oil has so many benefits and is a much healthier alternative to so many things.  It has a relatively low cost.  You want to look for Virgin, Cold/Expeller Pressed, Unrefined Coconut oil.  This means that is oil is the purest form, with no dies added.  Coconut oil can replace all of your standard cooking oils, your butter (scrumptious on toast!), it can be used as a base for many DIY lotions and creams/salves, it will give you energy and glowing skin, it can be used for "oil pulling" for whiter teeth and oral care, it is the only thing that has healed Piper's eczema, the list could go on and on.  Here is a link for MANY coconut oil uses.  http://wellnessmama.com/5734/101-uses-for-coconut-oil/

The options and opportunities are endless!  You need only take the time to do so.  Yes, it may be easier to run to the store to grab whatever it is that you need, but is the cost worth it?

Start thinking about the long term impact all of these chemicals on your family.

I am not willing to chance or sacrifice the health of my family to save a few dollars.  My family is worth more to me than my bank account.  I would rather spend an afternoon developing my own natural alternatives than taking a quick trip to the store to pick up things that are harmful to my family.

Start considering quality.  Think about this.  You would not want to put the cheapest form of oil into your brand new Mercedes.  So why would you want to do that to your body?  We only get one body in a lifetime.  If we are lucky, these bodies we are given will transport us well into our golden years.  If we take care of the body we are given, if we put premium gas into our tanks, these vehicles will be well maintained and with upkeep, will run for a long lifetime.  After all, isn't your body worth more than any Mercedes in town?

Well, there you have it.  Now run and start ridding your home of toxic things!

Detox Part 1

So, apparently I have a parasite.  I was thoroughly disgusted.

According to the CDC, 85% of Americans have live parasites in their bodies.  85 percent!!!!  Some medical personnel believe that this number could be as high as 95 percent!

There are so many ways to pick up these parasites:
   *undercooked meat
   *contaminated food or water
   *unclean fruits and vegetables
   *through the bottoms of our feet
   *not washing our hands
   *pets
   *international travel (I wish!)
   *swimming in contaminated water

And the symptoms of parasites are far and wide:
   *insomnia (me)
   *grinding teeth at night (me)
   *gas, bloating, constipation or diarrhea
   *painful/aching muscles or joints
   *allergies (me)
   *acne (me)
   *poor immunity (me)
   *nervousness (me)
   *fatigue, exhaustion or depression (me)
   *iron-deficient anemia (me)
   *insatiable appetite (me)
   *sudden  and extreme weight fluctuation
   *rashes, hives or eczema
   *mood swings (me)

Well, since I don't go to the Doctor, except in the case of emergencies, how do I know this?  How do I know I have a parasite?  Enter the Zyto Scan!

What is a Zyto Scan, you ask?  It is an incredible little machine that reads your biomarkers.  It is commonly associated with essential oils.  The Zyto Scan that I most recently had was at our Lemon Dropper Business meeting for essential oils.

How does it work?  So you put your hand on this nifty little machine, it even looks like a hand, go figure!  The scanner is linked to a computer with a software program.  As the machine scans your hand, in essence, it reads your biomarkers.  Things that are out of balance with your body.  According to zyto.com, it "is deigned to energetically ask your body questions and then analyze your body's specific responses."  The results are then generated into a report that list in order from most biological preference or need to least.  The report tells you what Young Living oil or supplement would be most beneficial, how to use it and a vague reason as to what may be out of balance.

I know, I know.  It sounds like some wonky, new age science gunk.  But it works.  It is accurate.  I have had 2 Zyto scans.  Both of them pinpointed issues that I had been experiencing.  The oils that they recommended were extremely beneficial to overcoming this issues, as well.

For more information, or a more scientific breakdown of how a Zyto Scan works, you can visit http://zyto.com .

My Zyto scan last week showed that I was in need of a deep cleanse, a purge of toxins, a detox.  Parasites was the top reason as to why.  (I was also in need of some emotional release and grounding oils!  Ha!)

As I started to research this parasite disgustingness, because I am a nerd at heart and I like research, I was blown away by the fact that such a high percentage of Americans live with live parasites everyday, and most people don't even know it!

In my research, I not only found several Young Living supplements related to cleansing and detoxifying, but I found several other means in which to do so:
   *Detox Baths
   *Bentonite Clay
   *Baking Soda
   *Diatomaceous Earth
   *Epsom Salt
   *Whole Foods Diet
   *Water Flushing
   *Clay Consumption
   *Warm Salt Water Consumption
   *Essential Oils
   *Sweating
   *Sleep!
   *Life Style Choices Make Over

I had been feeling pretty crummy lately.  I have not been sleeping well, feeling, overall, run down.  I had just associated all of this with grieving, just not being up to par.  So after the results of my Zyto scan, I realized that so many of my ailments could be related to having parasites.  That's when I decided to start detoxing.  Purging of the toxins running me down.  So here is how it is working out!  Let's start at the top and go over a few of them!

Detox Baths:
This is something that I do regularly.  I draw a bath, as hot as I can stand it.  Add half a cup of baking soda, half a cup to a cup of Epsom salt.  Usually those two things, plus a few drops of essential oils, and I am well on my way to relaxing.  I soak for about 30-40 minutes.  I always drink lots of ice cold water during these baths, with lemon essential oils, of course!  You sweat A LOT during these detox baths.  As your body is purging toxins out of your system, they are flushed out through the skin, in the form of sweat.  So to counter balance what your body is losing, you need to drink plenty of fluids!  These baths, I try to take one at least once a week, are deeply relaxing to me.  I always feel refreshed afterward. 

Recently, I added about 1/3 a cup of bentonite clay and about 1/3 a cup of Diatomaceous Earth to my detox bath.  I also added several drops of Frankincense oil.  Each of these elements has a specific purpose for detoxing the body.

   *Bentonite Clay:

     This is a relatively new staple in my toolbox.  This clay can be taken internally, used in baths or made into a paste with water and applied to the skin.  Simply put, the clay bonds with heavy metals and toxins in your body.  When the clay comes into contact with fluid, the clay electrons become negatively charged, then they attract the positively charged electrons of the heavy metals and toxins.

   *Diatomaceous Earth:

     D.E. is also relatively new to me.  D.E. is a naturally occurring, soft rock that is easily crumbled into a fine powder.  Like B.C., D.E. can be added to water and taken internally.  It also rids the body of heavy metals, toxins, parasites, allergies, and sinus issues.  D.E. also kills common pests like fleas.  Always make sure that you are using food grade D.E.

As I added these new elements to my detox bath, I started to feel quite nauseous.  In fact, I actually threw up when I was done.  I thought, geeze, I must be getting sick!  So I grabbed my DiGize oil and rubbed it all over my tummy.  Nope, that didn't help.  As I thought about when I started to feel sick, I Googled!  Apparently, it is quite normal to feel nauseous and to even vomit when your body is purging lots of toxins.  I had never gotten sick from a detox bath before, not until I added the Bentonite Clay and the D.E.  As parasites die and toxins are purging from your cells, they flush into your bloodstream, trying to work their way out of your system, waiting to be eliminated from the body.  Thus, detoxing can cause flu-like symptoms.  Symptoms may sometimes last up to a few days.  Luckily, mine only lasted about an hour.  Whew!

Note:  Both B.C. and D.E. can be made into a paste form with water.  They may then be applied to the bottoms of the feet, under the arms, on cellulite, on hair or over the abdomen to pull toxins out of the skin.  Similarly, they can be added to bath water for the same use.

   *Baking Soda:

     Baking soda naturally balances the pH of the body.  It too, draws out toxins.

   *Epsom Salt:

     Again, the purpose is drawing out toxins through the skin.  Expect lots of sweating!

   *Frankincense Oil:

     Frank, oh glorious Frank!  My favorite of all essential oils!  It is a cure all, stress melting, sweet and earthy smelling oil.  I also like refer to it as Jesus Oil.  If it was good enough for baby Jesus, it is more than good enough for me!  It has been extensively studied for cancer treatment.  It has also been found useful for skin conditions, anxiety, promoting spiritual enlightenment, oral and respiratory care, and pain relief.  This oil is amazing.  And in a bath, it is HEAVENLY!

***Remember, if you are going to use a detox bath, remember to drink plenty of fluids, before, during and after!***

You are probably thinking, why would I want to do this and get violently ill?!?!  But, that night, I slept like a baby!  The next day I had new found energy!  I would take an hour of tummy trouble over toxic ick running through my body, ANY DAY!

This detox bath is just one of many steps to come in my detox journey.  I am on a constant path, moving toward healthful living.  Purging the body of toxins is an on-going task.  The next post in this series will be on more detox ideas.

The Walk of Grief

So, it has been a while since I started this blog.  When I did start, my intention was to blog at least once a week.  Best of intentions and all.  Well, things didn't go as planned.  After my initial post, my world fell apart.

If you know me at all, you know that for the last 2 years or so I have been a full time care taker for my grandmother, known to most as Weezie.  But oh, she was so much more to me than just a grandmother.  She really, truly was my best friend. 

She passed away on August 28, 2015.  When she passed, my dad and I were there with her.  She had suffered many strokes over her last few months with us.  But like an innocent child, I had hoped for the best, that the doctors were wrong, that she would just be too darn stubborn to leave us so soon.

I was wrong.  In the words of my 5 year old daughter, "Weezie didn't make it."

It is so hard to adequately describe the feeling of such a loss.  No, I am not the first person to lose their grandmother.  No, I am not the first person to lose their best friend.  No, I certainly will not be the last.  However, this journey has taught me so much.  It has taught me life lessons, on death and dying and the afterlife.  It has taught me about compassion and complete surrender.  It has taught me about selflessness and love.   This list could go on and on.  The road to healing is just as long.

I want to backtrack to last Christmas.  Christmas is my favorite time of the year.  December is always particularly crazy for our family.  We have LOTS of December birthdays in our family, including my own.  Plus the obvious, Christmas and New Years.  Then we have church obligations, the Christmas dinner, the youth Christmas party, Christmas eve service.  And all of these things are great and bring me amazing joy.  But the things that matter most to me are the traditions.  Some are traditions my parents and grandparents started years before.  Some are new ones that we have started with our kids.  Christmas cookie baking.  Reindeer food on the lawn on Christmas eve.  Reading the Christmas story from the bible just before bed.  Milk and cookies for Santa.  Christmas eve at my grandmothers.  Christmas eve pajamas.  All traditions.  All loved.

Since last year was our first year homeschooling, we decided to take the entire month of December off from school.  I wanted to focus on making these memories.  Soaking it in.  We had intentionally been slowing down our lives.  We withdrew from all of the unnecessary extracurricular activities.  Saying no to the things that didn't serve us as a family unit. 

You see, God was moving in our lives.  He was speaking to me.  He was telling my heart to slow down.  We were like any other average American family.  We were getting so caught up in "Living" that we were, in fact, not really living at all.  We were busy, not being filled.  We were filling our time not our souls.  We had an overwhelmed schedule and I had an underwhelmed soul. 

You see, God was telling me to savor life.  I don't think that I told anyone but my husband that year, or ever, actually, that God was preparing me.  I knew, because God had put it on my heart, that my time with my grandmother was short.  I told my husband that I felt like it was going to be my last Christmas with her.  I didn't understand it, I didn't know why.  But I knew.  I knew that the Christmas I spent with her would be our last. 

It seems odd to admit that out loud.  But I believe it.  I believe that God prepares us for these things.  That on some level we know, sometimes, not always, what is to come. 

I savored every last second of the Christmas season last year.  I appreciated every little second, every detail of it.  I handcrafted gifts.  I baked extra cookies.  Most importantly, I spent time.  I soaked up every minute that I could, not just with her, but my kids.  It was truly, a magical Christmas.  The reason for the season was bright and alive in me.  I was so thankful that God had given me the gift of that knowledge.  I was so grateful for the coming of Jesus, not just to this earth, but to my heart.  It was magic.  Pure magic.

It has been about 10 weeks since she has passed.  And Christmas is fast approaching.  I find myself dreading my favorite time of the year a little bit.  I know it will not be the same.

The last 10 weeks have wrecked havoc on my soul.  The final moments of her life were spent with my dad and I.  She had not eaten or drank or spoken in her last 2 days.  But those last few moments, she knew we were there, she kissed us both.  We poured out our love on her.  We held her hands.  And I prayed.  Out loud.  What happened next I have held close to my heart.  Unwilling to share with the world.  I think it sounds crazy.  I think people will think I am crazy.  But that's okay.

After I prayed out loud, it was just a matter of minutes before she passed.  And just before she took her last breath, I had the oddest, most heart warming encounter.  I was holding her hand.  Just before she took her last breath, my hand that was holding hers started tingling.  I have no other way to describe it other than I knew it was over.  It was as if her last action on earth was to transfer her love, her life force energy, into me.  I feel like I literally carry a piece of her with me, everywhere, now.

I was flooded with so many emotions at that moment.  But greater than any, peace.  Eternal peace.  Her suffering was over.  She knew who we were till the end.  She knew she was not alone.  She was in Heaven.

Days before she passed, I had been reading a book, "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper.  If you have never read it, go buy it now.  If you are unsure that Heaven exists, go buy it now.  If you are searching for comfort in a time of mourning, go buy it now.  Basically, if you are breathing, go buy it now.  ***Spoiler Alert***  In the book, a true story, the man, Don, is a preacher.  He is in a horrific car accident.  He is declared legally dead for 90 minutes, in which time he travels to Heaven.  When he arrives in Heaven, instantaneously after he dies, he is greeted by all of the people he has known who have, previously to him, gone to Heaven, including his grandmother.  In life she was a feeble little lady who walked with a hunch and had false teeth.  When he arrives, she is new and perfect!  She walks effortlessly, with ease, upright.  And her teeth are her own and they too are perfect!

When I read this, I wept.  I mean, I really wept.  I knew that shortly, my grandmother would be in Heaven and she would be made new.  She would be perfection.  Far beyond the perfection that I saw everyday when I looked at her.  True perfection.  Perfection that only comes from the Lord when He washes us clean and makes us new again, in Heaven.  This passage gave me great hope when she finally passed on.  I imagine her with her husband and her son, her parents and siblings, walking upright, effortlessly, gleaming with a smile, wide, that is her own, on the streets of gold.

When I prayed over her in her final moments, this was part of my prayer for her.  I prayed that the Lord would take her home, to make her new and whole and perfect.  And He did.

There is a single verse in the bible that always restores me.  It is my life verse.  During mourning, the words have never rang more true. 

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:7

These last 10 weeks have not all been full of peace, though.  The days following her death, I did truly feel a peace that surpassed my understanding.  My spirit was resting in the strength of the Lord.  There is no other way I could have made it through those first few days on my own strength, it was complete divine strength.  Human emotion overwhelms me now, though.  I am fighting, trying to see the light, to find that strength, but grief is drowning me. 

I have not been a peach, to say the least.  I have been irritable and heartbroken.  My kids have been getting on my nerves.  My husband has been driving me crazy.  The petty little things that people air on Facebook drive me mad.  The cold weather has made me cold on the inside.  Bed time stories have been few and far between.  I spend so much time in fervent prayer, asking for that peace to fill me again.  I spend far too much time consumed with my thoughts of her.  I feel like everyone else has moved on and forgotten.  I am left completely heartbroken. 

My days these last few years have been filled with time spent with her.  Morning coffee.  Reading her horoscope to her.  Taking photos of the sweetest of memories of her with my children.  Tucking her in for naps.  Bathing her.  Asking her hard life questions.  I am so grateful for each of those days that I spent with her.  There were hard days, yes.  But even for those I am grateful.  I knew her, my kids knew her, and she knew them.  And she knew me.

I told my dad the other day that I felt as though no one had time for me.  Of course I was an emotion, irrational mess that day, because in reality, I have a loving family who supports me.  But reality gets a bit distorted when grief is rushing through you.   I told him, that no matter what, she always had time for me.  Since her passing I have felt so alone.  She was my life.  When everyone else left the funeral, they all had lives to get back to.  Jobs to resume.  I was left lost.  Stranded in my utter grief. 

I know with time, I will find a new normal.  I will find purpose and passion.  I will feel true happiness again.  But not yet.  It is still too fresh.  Too new.  Too raw.  But I will.

I am not alone though, not in my pain and suffering or in my search for understand and meaning.  Kyler wants to visit her grave, almost everyday.  Piper wants a photo of her tombstone to keep in her room.  Just a few weeks ago, Kyler told me that he was so sad that he just can not focus.  He told me that he was so angry at God for taking her and that he was mad at Weezie for leaving.  It blew my mind that something so deep and wise could come from a guy who was so little. 

How on earth can a child recognize and verbalize the fact that not only is he mad at God and at someone who has passed, but that it is okay to feel that way?  I must be doing something right as a mom.  He asks for alone time to pray when he is sad or angry about his loss. 

Piper tells me that she misses Weezie and all of the things that they used to do together or that she used to do for Weezie.  Brushing her hair, helping her walk, painting her nails.  All of these things coming from little kids who are just as lost and broken as me.  They are wise beyond their years.  True old souls. 

Trying to help kids understand something that even adults don't fully understand, that is the hardest part of being a parent by far.  For this I will keep praying.  None of us are alone.  The butterflies tell me that.  (That's a whole other post in and of itself.)

This post was way longer than I intended, but as I wrote, it just seemed to pour out, to write itself.  No doubt, God has given me the words and the courage to share this part of me with the world.  However, I can not wrap up the post without first acknowledging one last thing.  My dad.  My dad has been my rock these last few months.  Sometimes I feel like he is the only one who understands.  The only one as lost as I am.  For him I am eternally grateful.  Nothing could have ever made us closer than walking this journey together.  For all that you do, thank you Dad.  (Not to discredit you, either, Mama.  You are amazing and strong.  Love you!)

Thank you for hanging around to read this whole post.  Please be in prayer for our family as we continue on this road, the walk of grief.  Love and light.

In loving memory.  Louise Lucile Shepperd.  November 25, 1925- August 28, 2015.

And So It Begins

Welcome!  Our journey together begins here.  I'm Brittney!  I am a stay at home mom, loving wife, child of God, High School youth group leader, homeschooler, photographer, oil lover, wildflower admirer, dandelion gatherer, caretaker and self-proclaimed naturalist. 

Let's define "naturalist".  I have claimed to be one for quite some time.  But what does it mean? 

First of all, let's get one thing straight between you and I.  I live my life for God and I give him all the glory.  I also believe that He has provided us with everything that we need to survive, thrive, heal, prevent, treat and overcome.  Not a thing He has provided should be taken for granted.  Every life, every plant and every other blessing should be received with joy and thanksgiving. 

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer."  1 Timothy 4:3-5

To me, everything God has created is good.  There is a purpose for everything on earth.  Each little dandelion is a powerful healer.  Each little plantain leaf is a powerful soother.  Even cannabis is an incredibly powerful plant.

God had provided us with such an amazing array of plants to be used for His purposes.  Jesus said that we would be able to do all of the same works as Him, and some even greater.  We may not do it all the same, but it is TRUTH and WE CAN do it!

Using these gifts from the Lord we can take control of our own health.  Some people mistreat these gifts, misuse them for their own purposes.  But, in the right hands, in the hands of someone dedicated to using them well, these gifts can provide powerful healing...healing that we can harness and hold close to in our time of need.

A little over  year ago, I started to strive to, not only live a more natural and pure way, but live my life for the Lord.  To me, that meant accepting ALL of his gifts, using them, and giving Him the glory that came with them.

When I started transforming our home and our lives in this way, doors just kept swinging open.  I am not talking about 2 or 3 doors.  We are talking door after door after door.  God was showing me the path to live a clean, healthful, pure and natural way.  Without His guidance, I would be completely lost.  He has continued to put the right people in my life, at the exact right time, to help advance my path on this journey.  When I was feeling lost, or alone or had a question that I just couldn't answer, God provided me with the person or the resource to continue.

So, getting back to that word...naturalist.  This word can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.  To me, this is how that pans out in my life...

• Eliminating unnecessary toxins from our life
• Favoring natural methods of healing over medicine
• Keeping a faith centered life
• Earthing (more on that later)
• Yoga to center my soul
• Eating organically as often as possible
• Oiling (what's that ask?  Check back later!)
• Homeschooling (how that helps us live more naturally, later)
• Water, water, water
• Detoxing
• Breastfeeding (but hey, formula saved my baby, so no judgment!) 

This is just the beginning.  As time progresses, or as my memory allows, I'm sure there will be other things that should or will be added to this list.

Thank you for taking the time to stop in and to read this.  Check back every now and then for some natural living tips, tricks and information.  There is a lot to learn, and I am always willing to learn and share.  As long as God blesses me with a body, my vehicle, for my soul, the driver, I will follow and I will listen.  He has been telling me to surrender, to lay it all down, to let it go, to be open and honest and loving, and I will.

And so it begins.