Heart Strings

With every day of rain that passes, there are people that feel gloomy.  On days where the sky is dark and dreary, souls, too, can feel blue.  There are some people, though, who feel the rain washing away the grime and the misery, making all things new again.

Similarly, on days where the sun is high and warm, we feel happiness gushing into the depths of our souls.

When we put our toes into the dirt, or even better, the sand and the shores of the beach, we feel relaxation fall over us.  We feel grounded and connected to the vastness of the universe.

When my grandmother passed away, I told my husband that I needed to be overwhelmed by something greater than my grief.  So away to the beach I went.  There, standing in front of the breaking waves, I found peace.  Overwhelmed by the glory of God's mightiest of creations, I felt so small yet so connected to all that God had ever created.  My dear friend Melissa says it best, the beach is a place of healing.

Have you ever wondered why the weather, or the cycles of the moon, or the sound of the ocean can make you just...feel?  The bible tells us that we were created from the dust of the earth and to the dust of the earth we shall return.  How can we not feel connected to the earth if we were created from it?  Our moods and emotions are all connected to the flows of the earth.  Ever think someone was crazy when they referenced Mercury in retrograde or the full moon making their children crazy?  How could those things NOT affect us if we come from them?

All things here on earth are connected.  I think it is human nature to desire connection.  Connection to a higher power.  Connection to other beings.  Connections to the earth.  Connections to our purpose.  We all walk through this life searching for the people and places that our hearts find comfort, home, connection. 

Can you imagine walking through this life feeling as if you were just floating through with no "strings" holding you down?  Every time you open your heart to love, you are attaching a "heart string" to that person, creating a connection, a flow of openness to the heart of another. 

On my first day of teacher training, I instantly felt a connection to my teacher, Ashley.  As we all went around the circle introducing ourselves and our stories of what had brought us to this Yoga path, I instinctively had a shared "heart string" with her.  She talked so sweetly and heartily of her late Grandmother and how she influenced her life, how she dedicated her Yoga practice to her Grandmother everyday.  I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as she spoke of this woman.  Two women I didn't even know, connected to my heart.

When my turn came to speak to the circle, I spoke of how I had felt this "heart string" shared with Ashley because I, too, had my late Grandmother to thank and dedicate my practice to.  How she had shaped my life and my heart.

After our first weekend of training came to a close, she and I found out that we had far more in common than just that.  We had felt drawn to each other, as if we were meant to be friends.

Similarly, that is how I had made friends with so many other friends over the years.  It was an instant feeling of connection.  Now that is not to say that I haven't developed relationships over time with other beings.  Sometimes relationships can take months or even years to find genuine connection.  But there are times when there is nothing short of a divine intervention that instantaneously throws two people into a spiral of bonding.

Looking back on the beginning of some of my closest friendships, it all started with a very kindergarten question... "Will you be my friend?" or "We should be friends."  All because there was a connection from the moment of "Hello."

People always talk about love at first sight.  Or love at "Hello."  I always thought that it was just something that happened in movies.  That was, until I met my husband when I was in tenth grade.  I fell so head over heels for this boy.  I knew instantly that I could love him...Almost ten years later...here we are, with a not so perfect marriage and two not so perfect children.  Two not so perfect beings connected by tens of thousands of "heart strings" by now.  Each day, those "strings" to our past grow a little longer.  Each day, new "strings" forming.  There is pain and hurt in every past, and those "strings", too, somehow find a way to hold on through time.  But eventually, those "strings" grow a little weaker until one day they become so brittle that they just break and fall away.

These connections, these "heart strings", the good and the bad, are in every relationship.  Marriages, parental relations, sibling relations, child relations, friendships, business relations, universal relation...you name it.  Sometimes they become stronger and longer.  Sometimes they are short lived. 

But one thing I know is this.  Every person that is on our path is put there for a reason.  Some people teach us lessons, some heal us, some break us down, some show us what we want to be like, or not be like.  Each person serves a purpose on our path.  Sometimes we don't know what the purpose is.  Sometimes all we can see is heart ache and hurt.  But eventually, we discover what role those people played in our lives.  Eventually we begin to see the connections of our connections.

When I was in high school, my best friend and I decided that we were going to "map" out our friendship.  We kept talking about how all of these weird connections had almost destined us to be friends.  And we never wanted to forget that paths that brought us together.  I met Snake the Slugger, I mean Opossum, I mean Sami, when she transferred into our school.  I immediately sought her out to be my friend.  I always seemed to be drawn to the new kids.  I always felt the need to give them "homes" and to help them find connections.  I never wanted them to feel lonely. 

As Sami would tell the story, I "MADE her spend the night" at my house.  As I remember the story, I invited the new kid over to try to be her friend and to give her the gift of discovering "gas station chicken."  Ten (TEN?!) years later, she was just at my surprise 25th birthday party.  We have had life events, boys, friends, even Batman and a million other things pull us into a friendship over the years, developing a messy, twisted tapestry of connections between our lives.

That is what life is...Tapestry.  We have all of these connections, some that span across the world, some that span across physical boundaries.  They are all interconnected.  Maybe we dated someone that we met a new friend through.  Maybe we discover that an acquaintance is a long lost cousin.  Maybe that new person we were introduced to used to work for our uncle.  Life can get complicated.  But this tapestry that looks so crazy and messy to us, God is seeing it as a big, beautiful picture.  He is weaving together these webs of intimacy and connections, bonding us through time and space. 

Even when people leave this earth, we hear these stories about loved ones coming to people in their dreams.  Butterflies and feathers finding loved ones left behind, giving peace and comfort to the grieving.  Maybe it is in a story you hear, or an image you see that tells you that they are still there.

You see, it is not about how many Facebook "friends" we have, or how many "likes" our pictures garner, or how many people read this blog post.  If we can reach just one person with our words, or our kindness, if we can resonate with just one person, just one person that feels connected to us, that feels like they are not alone in this world, than that one "heart string" is ENOUGH. 

We don't need to accumulate hundreds of "friends" who don't really know us.  We don't need to reach the masses to speak our truth.  We don't need every person to love us to be connected.  We don't even need approval from all the people that we love to be okay.  Just because someone loves you, doesn't mean they understand you.  But love, love is paramount.  If we can gather just a few "heart strings" that are strong to keep us grounded and to make us feel connected to this life, than that is ENOUGH. 

As the saying goes, "Quality, not quantity."  Strong bonds are such a gift.  Bonds to each other, bonds with God, bonds to the earth, we need these things to walk through life.  This journey is not one to be walked alone.  When we have bonds, we have strength in numbers.  They hold us up.  They hold us accountable.  They feed our souls with love.  Imperfect love.  Conditional love, sometimes.  Only true, unconditional love comes from God.  But we can still be a strong "web" to support each other.

When life is feeling like a big and tangled mess, just remember what you are a part of, just one thread in a mass of billions, that is being connected, weaved, into a beautiful tapestry of life.

The Cross Has Made You Flawless

Flawed.  That is what I am.  In every sense of the word.  I am physically flawed.  I am emotionally flawed.  I am psychologically flawed.  I am relationally flawed.  I am sinfully flawed. 

Or, at least, that is my perception.  I recently read something that has had me thinking.  It said something along the lines of other people that we come in contact with are just a mirror, a reflection of us.  But, what we see is of our own choosing.  Meaning, we too, can see the flaws in others, or we can choose to see beauty.  After time, we start to find our worth and our own self-image in the acceptance and approval and judgments that we receive from others.  If this is the reflection that we are "seeing", then are we too projecting our own judgments and holding our approval and acceptance of others in front the people searching for their own reflection?  We can be a mirror of kindness and love.  We can project self love and self acceptance so that others, too, may see that in themselves.  Often times, we are our own worst critic. 

So much of this past year I spent pouring myself into caring for my grandmother and then grieving for her. As Christmas approached and I was searching for photos of my children to print and frame for family, I was lacking options.  I dedicated so much time and attention to her that I slacked in devoting myself to my children.  I have picture after picture of her and of all of us with her.  My focus was her.  The subject of almost every photo, she is front and center, or off center :)  But the point is this, my passion for photography took a backseat this year.  My passion for documenting the everyday aspects of my children's lives took a backseat.  My children took a backseat so that I could fulfill a calling that God had placed on my heart.  I have no regrets for the choice that I made to follow that calling.  But looking back, I wonder, was it a flawed choice not to choose my children, TOO?

The beauty in this is that I have these amazing photos of these precious moments of my children with her.  They made a choice too.  They choose to dedicate their precious childhood moments to snuggling up in bed with her.  Piper choose to brush her hair and to paint her nails over playing dolls or tea party.  Kyler choose to hold her hand and make her laugh over playing Pokémon or playing outside.  These precious moments were captured.  However flawed the moments were, in anticipated grief, in sadness and heartache, tired and bleary eyes, the ever present theme viewable in these photos is LOVE.

That Home Goods, TJ Max commercial gets me in the heart every time these days.  What if the holidays were ruled, not by the word S-A-L-E, but by L-O-V-E?  Love is not perfect, but it is kind and never boastful.  It is patient and bears all things, ever enduring.  What if we loved each other just a little more?  But, what if we also loved our SELVES a little more, a little kinder?  How would the world change if we all had a little more self-love?  Not egotistical, boastful self-love.  True self love.  Self love the way God loves us.  If we could see our selves through God's eyes, would we not see perfection?

Here is something to think about.  In the days when Jesus comes to take us home, we must leave with nothing.  We will trade in our sin stained bodies, in all of their imperfection, for new, perfect immortal bodies.  We will leave behind the homes full of possessions we worked our lives away to acquire.  We will leave parked here the vehicles we traded up for the bigger and better.  We will leave behind everything that we thought made us who we were...  Our careers, our education, our talents, our gifts, used or unused, our family and friends, our bodies.  None of it can come with us into eternity, on either side!  Neither Heaven nor Hell will accept your BMW or your bank account or your expensive shoes (Although I do hope there are cute shoes in Heaven!) as payment for entrance.  But here is the silver lining, the cross has made you flawless!  It gives you the chance to accept a new body, free of sin.  Beautiful and pure.  Perfect.  Eternal.  But, we must first accept Jesus and release our attachment to this life.

It has been a true struggle for me this year... Attachment.  I never realized how much I was attached to "things", physical and emotional.  Attached to feelings.  Attached to material things.  Attached to my hair?  Yes.  I have been growing my hair out for the last 5+ years.  It had become something that I took pride in.  I spent far too much time worried about it.  I hid behind it.  My long, glossy, sleek and blunt cut locks were my outward sign of "perfection."  Polished.  When I feel insecure, I hide behind it.  When I felt lonely, I could play with it.  When things are spiraling out of control in my mind, I could control this outward sign of order.  So, what happens when you take the "curtain" away?  What is left?  What do you have to face?  When the "security blanket" is pulled back, what do you find that has been hidden away for such a long time?

Attachment is like an illusion of security.  We cling to things that make us "happy" and we justify our need for them so that we don't need to face what the real issue is.  Why had I become so attached to my hair?  It sounds like such a silly thing to say out loud, I was attached to my hair.  But what I was hiding, what was revealed when it was gone, was a fear of lack of control, fear of lack of order, insecurity, fear of surrender, fear of change, fear of people seeing the real me.

So what are you attached to and what are you hiding behind your "curtain"?  There is no time to face it like now.  Pull back your "curtain" and charge, full force ahead, to reveal your true you.  Do you hide behind your big, fancy house?  Do you hide behind a fake smile?  Do you hide behind your "dream" job?  Do you hide behind your expensive car?  We all have a fear of letting people in to see the real "us", but when we are brave enough to admit that there is something that we are afraid to show, there is a real, raw version of our self that emerges that is far more beautiful than any car, hair style, clothes or job could ever project.

Change is hard.  But there is beauty in change.  Growth comes from change.  How can we evolve and grow if we are too afraid of change to ever step out of our comfort zone? 

Every year, I do not set a New Year's resolution.  A resolution is defined as the action of solving a problem. A resolution is about fixing a "problem"!  But instead, I set an intention.  An intention is a thing intended, aim or plan, or the healing process of a wound.  How beautiful is that?  That thing you always want to change about you, maybe it is not a problem.  Maybe it is a deep rooted wound that needs healing.  Maybe it is your weight that you always want to "fix."  A weight "problem"?  Perhaps, look deeper, what is the wound associated with the "problem"?  Are you afraid of judgment?  Is it poor self-esteem?  Instead of setting a resolution to lose weight, maybe this year your intention could be self-love, or health.  I choose one word or one phrase.  Last year, my intention was to be more present and to be more aware of God's presence.  That brought me to this year's intention...Surrender.  So what will be your word or your phrase?  Happiness.  Surrender.  Let attachments go.  Whatever your word or phrase is, just remember, be kind to your self.  Love your self deeply.  Accept your self, release your self judgment.  Then, maybe we can be a gentle mirror to those around us, reflecting self love and self acceptance.  Maybe then the world could be a more beautiful and kind place.  Happy new years!  May it find you with the best of intentions.