Please Excuse My Candor...Let's Get Personal

Kyler has been in camp this summer.  So it has been wonderful one on one time for my Piper girl and I.  It occurred to me that we have not had time like this since she was 7 months old, sick and hospital bound. 

Even when Kyler was in school before, she and I spent our days with my grandmother.  Shortly after, we brought our boy home for schooling.  So these last few weeks have been a time of truly getting to know one another on a deeper, more personal level.  She has never really known me as a mother of one. 

When Kyler was young, he and I had 3 beautiful years together.  We played together, learned together, grew together.  When Justin left for boot camp, it literally was just he and I.  We knew each other so tremendously well. 

Fast forward to this summer.  P and I are finally getting that chance to bond in the same way.  As she and I sat in the kitchen floor, putting together puzzle after puzzle (her favorite), I stared at her in awe, beginning to let it sink in that our days together, not just alone, but in general were coming to an end.

Back to school the last two years has meant digging out our books, setting up kitchen experiments, letting paintings dry on the counters, running barefoot through the creek, and yoga in the living room.  This year, as they venture back into the public school arena, I find myself saddened.  Greatly. 

I have trusted God.  I have laid my babies, my marriage, my grief, my future, all at the feet of Jesus over the last few years.  He has never once disappointed me.  I have trusted His callings, never questioning, obeyed and have always found that His ways have always led me to the greatest good, healing, salvation, and better things than I could ever have dreamed up for myself.

But this, this calling He has placed on my heart, to send them back to school, I find myself not understanding, questioning, hurting, aching over.  As Piper and I sat there in the kitchen, tears began to stream steadily down my cheeks.   Baby girl came and sat on my lap, bigger than ever, wiping my tears away, comforting her mama instead of the other way around.  I told her my heart was sad that soon we would not be spending our days together, that soon she would be in "big school" and that I was going to be working.

I don't just hurt because they are going back to public school, a place I really have no faith in.  But the month of August brings a stupendously, outrageously, inconceivably large amount of change to our family.  Our days together at home, after 9 years comes to an end.  I go back to yoga teacher training, 2 three-day weekends a month for the next six month.  I start a new job coaching JV Cheerleading at Hereford High School, preventing me from being home when they get home from school.  I begin teaching yoga, two nights a week, coming home only at bed time. 

I keep thinking of how little I will see them, telling myself, it is only temporary.  Only to lose heart, sinking back into the belief that they are my everything, nothing matters more.  How do I sacrifice what I believe what is best for them in order to pursue something for myself.  Questions.

But I keep trying to remind myself that in the coming days of Jesus' return, none of this will matter.  Not where they went to school, not whether or not they were immunized, not where I bought their clothes, not if they learn to multiply by 7, not if they eat a strictly organic diet, not if I gave them medicine or oils.  The only thing that will truly matter is the personal relationship I help them foster with Jesus.

I heard something this week that has been sticking in my mind.  Are you pursuing God with your eyes fixed on salvation?  Or are you pursuing God solely to know your Father, your Creator?  With all of the questions and heart-ache rolling around inside of me lately over schooling, this provoked something in me even deeper.

Sometimes we get so caught up in calling on God in prayer during our time of hard-ship and hurt, we ask for what we want or think would be best, to take away pain, to give us peace, for answers or healing...we lose sight of connecting to Him, just for the sake of knowing Him.  He speak and we never listen.  We hear and don't obey.  We forget to seek Him because He is our Father, our Creator.  We lose the idea of connecting to God personally, because we are living our lives out RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FACE OF GOD.  We are always in His presence, He stands beside us, yet we ignore Him.  If your friends stood next to your side 24-7, would you walk in silence, ignoring their presence?  Yet, that is what we so often fall into the practice of doing with Jesus.  He is walking this path with us, yet we choose to walk in silence.  Not listening silence, but ignorant silence.

My prayer this week has been to see God in the flowers and in His creation, to hear God in the laughter and words of His people and on the winds that blow, to feel God in the embraces of my children and in the movement of my body, to taste God in the fruits of His land and the kiss of my husband, to sense God in the gentle stirrings of my heart and in the wisdom of silence, to be more aware of His presence, to listen more, to trust even when I don't understand, and to follow Jesus as He leads me into deeper waters, resting in the assurance that He will never fail me.

Please excuse my candor, let's get personal.  How are you seeking your Creator?  Are you listening for His calling?  Are you trusting in His plan even if you don't agree or understand?  Are you following His stirrings in your heart?  Take time this week to seek Him out, not because your hope is in the salvation He provides, not because you are seeking an answer, not because you want for something more, but simply because He is your Father.  Because He is right beside you, because you are living out your life before the face of God and because He desired us to know Him personally, the way He already knows us.

As we want to know our children and for them to know us, it is God's desire that we would know Him, deeply, personally.  I pray that you seek the Lord, aching for His presence with you, that He would draw you near, and that you would spend time in silent prayer, listening for His breath of love.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

In America, over the last few decades, it seems that a country founded on freedom and God has become a repressive one in which hate reigns supreme.  Americans fluctuate from one extreme to the other on a daily basis.  One day we are memorializing Muhammad Ali, a Muslim, and the next, we are condemning all people of Muslim descent, proclaiming that what one does, must represent them all.  One day we are abandoning Target and gym's that allow transgender people into the bathrooms of their choosing, the next we are spilling tears for those that were senselessly maimed and killed simply because they were in an establishment meant for LGBT.  When a school is attacked and dozens of children and teachers are killed, we ask, why were there no armed officers on campus to protect them?  When guns show up as protection, a right guaranteed by the 2nd amendment, we cry that there should be stricter gun laws, prohibiting such things from being around our children in schools.  We want our cake and to eat it, too.  But life just does not work like that.

We need to wake up!  God has been so far removed from our everyday life.  We send up "flare prayers" in our time of desperation, period, the end.  We don't want God in schools, or on our currency, or in our anthems, but when senseless acts of violence are becoming such an anticipated aspect of our daily life, when it becomes expected, and we walk in fear of going to the movie theater, we wonder, "Where is God," and "Why does God let such terrible things happen?"

This morning, I sat with my bible and opened to where I felt God was leading me.  Jeremiah 29:11.  Now this verse is mind blowing to me.  I had never found such weight to it until my dear friend proclaimed it as her anthem.  "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  These words are always comforting when I face trials, when I feel great sadness, or feel like there is no hope for our broken world.  Then I remember, JESUS is our HOPE!  The HOPE of NATIONS.  Not just our nation, but all nations. 

Jeremiah 31:2 continues on to say, "The people who survive the sword will find favor in the wilderness; I will come to give rest to Israel."  Now, sure, you may think, we are not slaves driven out of Egypt and brought forth to the promised land, that's not pertinent to us.  But, oh, darling, how it is.  All of this senseless violence that the world is facing, pitting blacks against whites and whites against blacks, persecuting Christians and Muslims alike, cops versus civilians, killing homosexuals, terror of transgenders, we all have someone to hate for something.  We feel entitled to hate whomever we want to what for whatever reason we deem worthy.  We settle for hatred instead of striving for wisdom of understanding.  Racism of all shapes, sizes and colors is such a predominant ideal in our society, we just accept it as normal.  We then cry out, in fear, for being persecuted, when we ourselves have been persecuting unto others.  Perhaps you didn't hold a firearm to someone's head, sure, but think, not too very hard, and I am sure you will think of a thing or two that you have held against another for the sake of your own perception or ideals.

Jeremiah 30:5, "'Cries of fear are heard- terror, not peace.'"  God hears the cries of His people.  His ways are higher than ours, His thought, higher than ours.  When we see black and white, gay and straight, citizen and criminal, hero and villain, God sees brokenness, in all of us.  We have all been persecuted by the sword of another, whether by deed or word.  But He promises us that we can find rest in Him.  When we turn to Him, when we release the ties that bind, when we turn away from persecuting, He promises that there is Hope.  There is a future. 

Chapter 30 continues on, verse 10, "'So do not be afraid,'"... (11)"'I am with you and will save you,'...I will discipline you but only in due measure;'"...(17)But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds.'" Chapter 31 goes on to say, that He will lead us beside still water, onto a level path, a path upon which we can not stumble, that He will gather us and keep watch over us.  31:13, "'I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.'" 31:16, "'Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,' declares the Lord."

There is a saying, in the bad times, look for the helpers.  More than a saying, I think it is a philosophy that we should live by.  Although, not so much just looking, but being.  Instead of looking at the picture as a work of great sorrow, turn your eyes to the plans for a prosperous future that God holds for such things.  Turn away from the fear, looking to God for His salvation of all people.  Focus not on the wounds and the burden, but looking, instead to the path of Hope.  Seek not for your own paths on which we stumble, fall and fail, but look to God for level and clear direction.  Focus not on the mourning, but seek for comfort in Him who brings great joy.  Wait not for others to begin helping with tears on your face, but instead, turning to God for the directions for His work for you to help others.

This world is full of lost and broken and weary sinners.  We were handcrafted by God, individually designed for great works.  31:33, "'I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts.  I will be their God, and they will be my people.  (34) No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest,' declares the Lord."  We were ALL made to know God PERSONALLY.  He breathed life into ALL of us, we were made in His image.  The breath of God gave you life and it is in you, despite your sexual orientation, religion, color, political affiliation or personal beliefs.  You carry the breath of God in you.  You were made to breathe life into others with that very same breath.  We need to use that breath to speak life, not destruction.

We all walk around this world in anticipation of the other shoe dropping, of the next bad thing, in fear, in loneliness, in brokenness, in anger and sorrow, hopeless for a brighter future.  We wonder, "What's love got to do with it?"  If God so LOVED the world that He sent his one and only Son to save us, to rectify us to Him, with no other demand for payment of our sin and brokenness, than LOVE has got EVERYTHING to do with it.  If we choose to walk in love and faith over hatred and sorrow and persecution and blindness, the world may begin to change.  Perhaps we would begin to see beyond black and white, beyond Christian and Muslim, beyond American and foreigner, beyond good and bad. 

"I once was lost, but now I'm found.  Was blind, but now I see."  Look to God, pray that he opens your eyes that you may begin to see.  Pray to see beyond here and now, beyond you and I, beyond today and tomorrow, beyond your perception and ideals, and into light and goodness, into LOVE.

As you walk out into the world today, remember, LOVE has got EVERYTHING to do with it.  Walk with open eyes in joy, in anticipation of a future, prosperous and hopeful.  Do not be afraid.  Be a helper.  Forget about the want for firearms or separation and laws.  Forget the differences that separate us and seek to see the things that unite us.  Walk always in love and find rest in the Hope of Nations.

Seeds of Hope

Last evening I had the honor of volunteering my services to photograph the Voices for HOPE Banquet.  It has been my honor to support this organization for the last three years.  HOPE (Help for Oncology Problems and Emotional Support) is a local non-profit organization that provides support for local cancer patients and their families.  They provide assistance with meals, groceries, transportation, cancer accessories, medical equipment, support groups, education and more.

(The scrolls above are all of the cancer patients that H.O.P.E. has helped, but lost, along the way.)

Hope itself is defined as a feeling of trust or an expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.  So often we move through this life with expectations of our own making.  We expect to be the best, to make the most, to buy the greatest, to achieve the highest, to work the least, to be handed all that we desire.  We have expectations that we think should be met by the world, people, even God Himself.  We say I want and we expect to be given it and hope that it is done quickly.  We have a situation that we expect to turn out a particular way and we hope that it is fulfilled. 

If you ask me, hope and expectation do not go hand-in-hand, but rather, in fact are polar opposites.  When we place our hope, or our trust in something greater, we can have no expectations of our own on how to get there or how to make it happen.  Hope is a divine thing, a gift from God.  We do not have to worry or expect anything, because He has our best interest at heart.

Open the eyes of our hearts, Lord, I pray!  Let us see that Your hope is all that we need.  Let us trust in You and Your plans.  Let us feel Your presence and safety in You.  Let us relinquish all of our expectations and place all of our hope in You, Lord!

The world is a scary place these days with shootings and bomb threats, abductions and thefts.  The world can seem hopeless and dark.  But standing there, in that space last night, surrounded by volunteers and donors, I saw hope.  Radiant, life-giving, hope.  The kind of hope that says, "I trust in a brighter future." The kind of hope that says, "I trust that there is still goodness in the world."  The kind of hope that says, "we trust in the plans laid out for us, that we will be prospered and have a future."

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord,  'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

In all of the darkness of our decaying and dying world, there is still hope.  Through every broken crack in the heart of society, there lays a place for the light of goodness to shine through, a place for hope to penetrate.  We can focus on the bad and scary things that fill our days, or we can choose to focus our eyes on the goodness and the mercy, grace and hope that comes from the Lord.

Hope is called "an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast." Hebrews 6:19  So how then, do we tap into this hope?  Jesus!  We build our hopes of the world in Him.  When we put our hope in humanity, we will always be utterly disappointed, but God NEVER fails us.  He prompts us to put our hope in Him for a better world, for a future.  Only by trusting Him, having hope in Him, can we have eternal life and the things and worries and heartaches of this life become transient.  The dissipate into nothingness until all of our hope is in the eternal promises of life.

It is our responsibility to plant these seeds of hope, to help fulfil the desire of something more, to help people overcome the desperation that this world feeds into.

Each year at the Voices for Hope banquet, each attendee is gifted some form of "Seeds of HOPE" to take home.  This year, sunflower seeds were gifted.  The intention is that each person would take the seeds, a physical reminder,  plant them and watch them grow.  As with the seeds, we too plant seeds of hope into the world and in the hearts of others.  Then we get to watch the fruits of those seeds, grow and prosper and hopefully, multiply.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13 

Life is imperfect, the world is imperfect, but God is perfect and His plans are perfect!  DO NOT LOSE HOPE.  Do not let our dismal world dampen your light, do not lose the flavor of your salt.  Abound in love, trust in the Lord, filled with joy and peace, shining out as a beacon of light into all the world, planting seeds of hope. 

If you would like more information about the services provided by, or to donate or volunteer for H.O.P.E., please visit http://hopeforcancerfamilies.org  H.O.P.E. is currently seeking donations to finance a long time dream of the H.O.P.E. Retreat, a Vacation From Cancer, right here in York County.

(The original "Dream" of the H.O.P.E. Retreat)

Who am I and what defines me?

I don’t think that we can define ourselves.  To define ourselves means that we have definite limits, edges, perimeters.  But my true resting nature is one of many deep facets. 

I used to feel like all that defined me was being a mother and a wife.  I felt caught in those titles.  I sought my worth in acceptance from other people.  I felt like a disappointment.  I felt unaccomplished.  I felt unworthy.  I let the world define who I was and how I felt.  What I had, or could afford, what degree I did or didn’t have, what I wore and where I lived contributed to how valuable I thought I was.  But when I found Christ and started to seek my worth and self in Him, I realized that none of those things mattered at all.  As my relationship with the Lord deepened, I came to see that my deep longing for acceptance and love and worth could only be found in what I was lacking.  God.  All that I desired could only be given unconditionally through Him.  When we seek to fulfill ourselves through worldly means, we feel empty, no matter what we have or where we go or who loves us.  Our souls only crave more of the Divine.  Connection.  Truth.  When we begin to define ourselves based on our relationship to God, it is then that we can begin to discover our true self, who we are and what we were created to be.

I have been a lot of things to a lot of people over the years.  I always sought to please everyone, never finding true happiness within myself.  So as I began to know the Lord on a deeper, more meaningful level, I began to see that to be truly happy and content, I had to seek only to please Him.  I come up short every day, but I strive to please Him, and thankfully, He is a God of unending grace.  I have been a student and a teacher.  I have been a child and a parent.  I have been cared for and a care giver.  I have been a reader and a writer.  I have been served and I have served.  I have been a friend and an enemy.  I have been a lover and a wife.  I have been observed and I have been an observer.  I have been sick and I have been well.  I have been scared and I have had peace.  I have been loved and I have loved.  I have laughed and I have cried.  I have been a sinner and I have been saved.  But of those things, there is only one that defines me truly.  I have been saved.  My identity is in Christ.  In the bible, God is called “I Am.”  He is the GREAT I AM.  He is all that was, is, and is to come.  I am found somewhere in the middle of all that God is.

I am His.  I am light.  I am enough.  I am perfectly flawed.  I am redeemed.  I am a Holy temple for the Spirit.  I am a co-heir with Christ for the Kingdom of God.  I am a branch from the living Vine.  I am fruitful.  I am the hands and feet of Christ.  I am a child of God.  I am a servant of the Lord.  I am justified.  I am a friend of Jesus.  I am free.  I am accepted.  I am called to be a saint.  I am wise.  I am righteous and sanctified.  I am one with God.  I am open, no longer is my heart hard.  I have been made new.  I am one of many brothers and sisters in Christ.  I am blessed.  I am chosen.  I am holy.  I am blameless.  I am marked with the promise of God.  I am alive.  I am His workmanship, hand crafted by the hand of God.  I am made for good works.  I am called to spread the Good News.  I am predestined for suffering for the cross with Christ.  I am near to God because Christ has rectified me to Him by His sacrifice.  I am a part of the body of Christ.  I am a partaker of His promise.  I am bold.  I am confident in my access to God through Christ on the cross.  I am a citizen of Heaven.  I am faithful.  I am full of peace that passes understanding.  I am rooted in Christ.  I am quenched of thirst through the living water that Christ gives.  I am nourished.  I am guarded in my heart and mind.  I am supplied with all of my needs.  I am covered in the feathers of His wings in refuge.  I am complete.  I have been raised up with Christ.  I am inseparable from God.  I am loved.  I am of God.  I am established.  I am assured.  I am anointed and sealed by God.  I am hidden in God.  I am of power.  I am of love.  I am of self-discipline.  I am untouchable.  I am fearless.  I am born of God.  I am gloriously lavished in God’s grace.  I am forgiven.  I am forgiving.  I am unrestricted.  I am in Him.  I am purposefully placed.  I am hopeful.  I am included.  I am salt to the earth.  I am reconciled.  I am witness to Christ.  I am a co-worker for God.  I am a minister to my own mission field.  I am raised from the dead.  I am seated with Christ in Heavenly Realms.  I am covered with kindness.  I am richly blessed.  I am near to God.  I am able to access God.  I am of the house of the Lord.  I am secure.  I am a dwelling for the Holy Spirit.  I am a vessel for God’s powerful works to flow through.  I am loved deeply, widely and expansively by Christ.  I am complete.  I am called.  I am humble.  I am glorifying God.  I am patient.  I am kind.  I am lovingly tolerant.  I am spiritually mature.  I am certain of the Truth.  I am compassionate.  I am truth.  I am open and understanding to God’s will.  I am thankful.  I am honoring my marriage.  I am parenting with compassion and composure.  I am strong.  I am powerful in God.  I am firmly standing.  I am dead to sin.  I am not alone.  I am led.  I am growing.  I am a disciple.  I am not alone.  I am not in want or need.  I am united.  I am prayed for by Christ and the Spirit.  I am victorious.  I am filled with a Christ-like mind.  I am worthy.  I am clothed in love.  I am armed with the word of God.  I am protected.  I am safe.  I am healed.  I am helped.  I am part of a greater force.  I am persevering.  I am overcoming.  I am fulfilled.  I am born again.  I am new.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am ready to receive my inheritance of Heaven.  I am qualified.  I am delivered.  I am freely receiving.  I am living for Christ, neither the world nor myself.  I am built on the Strong Foundation.  I am in direct communication with God.  I am complete. I am resurrected.  I am unashamed.  I am partaker of Divine Nature.  I am from the dust of the earth.  I am enslaved, gloriously, to God.  I am jointed.  I am a valued member.  I am pre-planned.  I am not a mistake.  I am an expression of God.  I am Pala, a marvelous work of God.  I am sharing in the life of Christ.  I am a resemblance of God Himself.  I am a resemblance of Christ in His return.  I am anxiously awaiting the second coming.  I am part of a royal priesthood.  I am part of a holy nation.  I am of a chosen race.  I am an enemy of the enemy.  I am a warrior.  I am a stranger to this temporary world.  I am eternal.  I am God’s proclaimed excellence.  I am a sheep of the Good Shepherd.  I am led to still waters.  I am replenished.  I am rested in His presence.  I am of His possession.  I am walking in His path.  I am unconformed.  I am transformed.  I am known.  I am a child of day.  I am abiding in love.  I am powerful.  I am thankful.  I am in prayer.  I am guarded.  I am allotted grace and mercy.  I am set in mind on things of the Spirit.  I am God’s field.  I am His building.  I am cared for.  I am in fellowship.  I am joyful.  I am of plans for hope and prosperity.  I am never alone.  I am never forsaken.  I am sober-minded.  I am watchful.  I am awakened.  I am a good steward.  I am a servant.  I am useful.  I am gifted.  I am shining.  I am gentle.  I am respectful.  I am defender.  I am given life abundantly.  I am above reproach.  I am eager.  I am hopeful.  I am known.  I am purposeful.  I am irreplaceable.  I am baptized.  I am teachable.  I am valuable.  I am filled.  I am overflowing.  I am imperishable.  I am rejoicing.  I am limitless.  I am equipped.  I am a speaker of truth in love.  I am unashamed.  I am open. 

The Word of God tells us exactly who we are, who we are meant to be, who we have always had the ability to be.  I now stand firmly on the Word, my being is consecrated through God.  Who I am and what defines me is only as limited as the God I serve.  I serve a limitless God, therefore, I too am limitless.

To a special someone who encouraged me to blog my Yoga homework, thank you for appreciating me and where I am in my journey, and thank you for being wonderfully you!

Here Is My Fish

I am not sure how to describe all of the emotions that I have been feeling lately.  There have been a multitude of ups and downs over the last few months.  I have recently been reminded of lessons taught and learned long ago.  I have faced uncertainty and longing and heartache, just like everyone else.  So here, I begin with a story.

Over the Easter weekend, Justin, the kids and I took an impromptu trip to Ocean City.  Our second night there, after the kids were in bed fast asleep, Justin and I sat on the balcony of our hotel room, taking in the view of the ocean, breathing in deep the smell of the salt air, listening to the rumbling of the waves pushing into the surf.

As we sat there, we began to reminisce about childhood, when we started dating, trips we had taken, soaking in the fact that we had spent nearly a decade together, reconnecting.  For the first time, we really talked about the heartache I have been enduring since the loss of my grandmother and the heartaches of our children and the hardships that the loss has brought to our family.

It is hard for me to be so vulnerable and open about these deep feelings of loss and sadness.  These things bring up memories of a time a few years back that were not very good for me, when I suffered a dark depression.  Each time these feelings of sadness lurk around, I get scared that I might slip back into that place with no light, when I felt not hope, and when I felt utterly disconnected from everyone and every thing, including myself.

When my grandmother passed, I had taken a week long trip to the beach with my parents and my kids.  Justin had just started a new job so he was unable to accompany us.  After what had seemed like a very long time of spending so much time apart because of taking care of her, spending nights along her bedside in fear of her passing when I was not there, it felt almost selfish to leave him behind.

I had a deep longing in my soul to be at the beach, though, at that time.  I could only explain it in one way.  I needed to be overwhelmed by something greater than my grief.  The only thing that I could think of that was that big was the ocean.  So I went. 

I spent that week much the same way.  Soaking in the sound of the crashing waves, taking in the expansive horizon, in awe at the immensity of His creation.  I spent evenings and mornings on the balcony with my parents, tears soaking my face as I tried to make sense of this new normal that I would have to make peace and live with.

That week was incredibly healing.  I had not been back to the beach since until our Easter trip.  So as we sat there together on our balcony, I began to become overwhelmed with the same feelings.  They resurfaced and pushed their way up my throat, erupting into quiet sobs in the night. 

As I allowed myself the chance to put to words the things my heart had been aching with, I began to feel a sense of relief.  I felt a physical weight come off of my chest.  As we spoke softly in the salty night air, I took notice to something stories below.

In the bottom of our hotel, there was a small café.  It had outdoor seating on a little patio, just off of the boardwalk.  It was getting late, maybe around 10 PM or so.  As I looked down upon the ocean, my eye caught a glimpse of something fluttering in the wind.  The café had an "OPEN" flag that was hung out over the rail.

It occurred to me that it was ironic that such a thing should capture my eye as we had this conversation.  God was speaking.  I knew that I was meant to share my words and I started thinking about what it was that He wanted me to say.  So I pulled up the camera on my phone and tried to take a photo of the flag.

As I tried to capture the image, the wind was fluttering the flag all about.  Each time the flag would open up nice and wide, I would snap a photo, and just as timely, the flag would flutter closed.  I tried for several minutes to get this picture, growing agitated that the wind would just not "cooperate" with me.

Oh, the irony.  This was God's very message.  Oh, how oblivious I was.  Every time I try to open my heart up, to be vulnerable, to let someone in, I just as quickly close my heart, turning inward, shutting the world out again.  Each time I let someone get a glimpse of me, I quickly make sure that it is only fast enough not to get hurt or judged.

Just days before our trip, I wrote a blog post called "Open Heart" in which I spoke of my Yoga journey and ending up in a training named "Open Heart".  It seemed to me as if, while I know the truths of living with an open heart, I had not necessarily been living it quite as well as I had thought.

Each day, I have the blessed repeated opportunity to live in this light of openness.  Each day I have the repeated lesson to learn that only by truly opening our hearts up to others can we live a connected and well lived, loved and meaningful life.

I wrote long ago that, often times, God presents us with the same learning opportunities time and time again, repeating the chance until we make the conscious choice to choose differently, to finally grasp and embrace the lesson, to live differently, to make the decision to live better, to love harder, to surrender more, to humbly accept, and to willfully desire a more connected and honest, truthful life worth living.

This weekend during "Open Heart" Yoga training, we were read a small excerpt from the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali.  The verse was a metaphor.  It spoke of our "self" as a fish and how we should put our "fish" in an aquarium and put it on display, as if to say to the world, "Here is my fish!"  It is meant to say that we are as we are.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Just as we are. 

So, here I am, guys!  This is my fish!  This is who I am.  This is my heart.  I ask that you take it, not break it, but hold it gently.  If you hurt it along the way, I will forgive you and move on, tending to my brokenness.  As Jesus declares, forgiving 7 times 77 times. 

Melissa and I taught a Sunday school series last year to the high school kids about wearing masks for people.  The recurring theme is ever present in my life.  Think about this: If all the people who know you are put in one room together, would you know who to be?  Are you always the same, never changing, or do you wear masks of different colors and shapes when you are accompanied by different people? 

Our Yoga training class took a visit to a local charity a few weeks back that we will be supporting in an upcoming event that we are putting together.  Olivia's House is an organization in York that offers free grief and loss services to children and their families. 

Side note:  As I walked in the door, I first of all could not deny the presence of hundreds of butterfly symbols throughout the facility.  And if you know me, you know that the butterfly is a sign of the presence of the love of my grandmother.  Needless to say, I cried, SEVERAL times, but only when I could be in the back of the group so as to quickly wipe my tears quietly away.

Back to the organization though... They provide many services to these children, including art therapies.  In the hallway upstairs, there were masks hanging on the walls.  As our guide talked about some of the art therapy projects, this one really stood out to me. 

The children were tasked with writing and decorating the front of their masks with the things that they wanted other people to see, the outward sign of "Okayness", words like happy, okay and fine splattered the fronts of these masks.

Then she told us to flip the masks over.  On the insides of the masks, they were to write how they really felt.  Words like hurting, sad, lonely, and the most heart breaking one that we saw, "Help me!" were inked upon the inner walls of these children's hearts.

And I sympathized.  My dearly beloved yogi friend, Laurie, kept checking in with me, "You okay?"  As I choked back the tears, wiping my eyes in the back of the group, I would nod, yes.  But she knew, she said she could tell that I was feeling it all.  This place spoke to me, to my heart and to my grief.

Even as we wandered the halls of the facility, I held tight to my mask of "Okay".  I don't know why.  But here is my fish.  This is the inside of my mask.  I refuse to wear that outward "Okay" mask any longer.  I still hurt.  I still lash out.  I still bottle up my feelings of loss and sadness.  My heart aches.

As we sat there on our balcony that night at the beach, I took that mask off for the first time in I don't know how long.  The truth is, I barely recognized myself.  I had hidden away my inner self for so long, even I was not sure who to be any more in an aquarium full of all the people that I know.  I have been so many things to so many people, I forgot who I am.  Mother, wife, daughter, home schooler, Sunday school teacher, care giver, and the list goes on.  They are all things I do, but not WHO I AM.  More than anything, that is what I am learning on this Yoga journey.

I proclaim it now, though.  Here is my fish.  Here I am.  Here is who I am when the masks come off.  Here is my heart.  I am hanging it out for everyone to see.  We all hurt, we all cry, we all have fears, we all face loss.  Why, then, are we so afraid of doing it together?  We share these heartstring moments with everyone else in creation.  We need to live this openness, not just fluttering between open and closed, but we need to let our "OPEN" flags extend out, remaining there indefinitely.

So there was my sign to keep my "OPEN" flag out, long past when I want to close up shop.  God is urging me to let the winds of life carry me where they may, to trust that my destination is already determined, and to believe that He would keep me safe in the travels and the storms, holding tight to the promise that I would be delivered. 

It is not my purpose in this short life to protect my heart.  My purpose is to live out loud, strong in faith, open and raw, holding my heart in an outstretched hand to anyone who is willing to take it.  If and when it does get hurt, I know that I can rest easy in the storm, in the palm of The One who carries us when we can not walk.  And I know that I can always take comfort in the immensity and overwhelming expansiveness of the healing waters of the ocean, the sounds of the late night tides, the salty air, and the glorious sunrises that promise a new day with new opportunities to learn and heal.

Open Heart

Peace can only flow through an open heart.  There can be no ego (self).  You must be your true Self, void of anger, ego and judgement.  Divinely connected.  To let go of the ego is to completely surrender to a greater power.  It is to let go of expectations and perceptions.  It is to believe that everything is being worked for your good.  It is to relinquish control and your will.  It is belief that your higher self is greater than your desires and pursuit of pleasure.  It is ceasing to believe that you are the best, or better than another.  It is to find and live your inner Truth.

Opening the heart also means becoming aware of the callings speaking to it.  Listening to the whispers and obeying the prompting of the Spirit.  So many times we are called into placed where the water is deep, we can see no shore, waves are crashing, life seems scary, we feel no security that the end result will land us just where we were destined to go, we feel uncomfortable in the journey, but we are promised that WE WILL BE DELIVERED SAFELY! 

I have said it before and I will say it again.  It is no coincidence that I landed in "Open Heart Yoga Teacher Training."  The Yogi in me says, Karma, it plays a role in our lives that we are going to receive as we give.  But the Christian in me says, yes, but Karma has a different name, G-O-D.  I have a sweet dear friend who had told me a while back that her son had provided a random act of kindness and had paid for the dinner of a family at a restaurant.  He had a calling on his heart, he obeyed, he blessed them in secret with no expectation of return.  Soon after, he won his money back on a scratch off ticket.  To this he replied to my dear friend, "Karma."  Her response?  "God."

Had this young man not had an open heart to the stirrings he was called to, a blessing never would have been poured out to that family.  But when we listen, obey and follow those stirrings, God calls us to a greater, more blessed life than we could ever dream. 

Sometimes it is hard for us, as logical beings, to fathom raisings our hands in praise, and lifting our hearts, placing our utmost faith in something we can not see.  But more than that, we are spiritual beings, seeking purpose, answers, reason, acceptance.  To be willing to open our hearts enough to something we can not tangibly prove is there, can be scary.

Having faith the size as small as a mustard seed, is all that the bible tells us in necessary to move mountains.

This open hearted faith has brought me more blessing than I ever thought possible.  It has called me out into raging storms.  It has blessed me with love and loss. 

Lately, so many things have been on my heart all at once.  Some things I have shared with everyone, some I have shared selectively, some I have shared not at all.

One of the big things that has been on my heart is homeschooling.  Everyone knows how much I love it, as well as the difficulties that came with our public school experience, the trials and heartaches.  Recently, through much prayer and discussion, we have decided that the kids will be going back to school in the fall. 

I am a little disheartened, I feel a sense of loss, but mostly I am trying to have an open heart to trust that God will bring us through and that even though it may be uncomfortable, He will deliver us to the other side, right where we are supposed to be, all for our greatest good.  Resting in the fact that He has a plan, and living according to His will and not my own, I know that every little thing is going to be alright.

God has taken me on such an incredible journey these last few months.  Between grief and Yoga training, God has really allowed me to heal in my own way, in my own time.  This journey has been such a blessing and for it I am so ever grateful.  For now, I am looking at this next step in the fall as an adventure and I am just waiting to see what God has in store for us, and me personally, in the coming months.

Perhaps I will land somewhere teaching, perhaps I will be teaching privately, perhaps I will be continuing my training, I don't know.  But I know that in the end, I will land safely just where I was always meant to be.

Open your heart, you just never know where it might lead.

Just Breathe

I have been feeling an anxiousness lately that is not of the Lord.  Technology makes me angry.  The incessant impulse that I need to respond to texts and calls and emails and messages and posts ASAP literally makes my heart race and my ears burn.  I homeschool two young children.  I have homework and training and yoga that needs to be completed.  I need time to read my bible and to pray.  I have housework that needs to get finished.  Your technological messages are going to have to wait!  If I do not respond in a few minutes, or hours, in a day or in a few, THAT'S OKAY. 

I used to feel a drive to reply as soon as something popped up.  But this past year has been one of renewal, learning, surrender and compromise for me.  Through it I have learned that I need to step away from all of these "advancements" in connection and I need to be able to REALLY connect with who and what is actually around me.  I need presence.  I have this deep longing for connection to where I am right NOW, who surrounds me in this time, and to whom I AM in the present. 

God has been doing a great work in me, teaching me when to bite my tongue, how to speak in loving kindness when I do speak and when to surrender my thoughts and feelings to allow them to transcend me.  I am beyond what this life is.  I am bigger than posts and tweets and texts.  I do not need to read every article and email.  I need not respond to the things that upset me.  In fact, often I need only remember, "Just happening." 

"Just happening" is a concept that is fairly new to me, in fact only in the last few weeks new to me, thanks to my Yoga training reading.  It is a concept that tells us that we needn't be upset by, defined by, judged by, nor held down or back by the things that happen around us or to us by other people.  So often, I read things online that I let "rile me up."  A sassy remark or a passively  snarky comment gets me down.  I let these things in.  I let myself get bogged down by them.  I take them in and I let them shape how I see my self or what I think of myself.  I let other people dictate my time and feelings.  But no more.  I am saying stop.  I am putting the barrier back up.  There is a chain link fence around me, a net, that I get to choose what to let through, what to keep out.  I have limits and places that are out of bounds.  That is my choice.  And this choice is a recent transition in thinking for me.

These last few months have been a time of such transition for me.  I have been brought humbly to my knees before a great big God who has been leading me, if not carrying me, the entire time.  It has been a time of insurmountable change.  Changes in family dynamics, through loss and heart ache, changes in marital relations, through growth and compromise, changes in faith and church community, through spiritual seeking and surrender, changes in self, through reflection and care.  But all of these things, and not all have come easily, not all have come without growth pains, they are each of imperative importance.  Without change, growth becomes impossible, we become stagnant.  When we allow ourselves to turn inward, to God, we open up ourselves to that growth again.

So much of what I am learning through my Yoga training is about turning inward and breath.  It is about learning postures, yes, but even more so, it is about the movement through and between the postures.  The in between.  It is so much like life.  We have these huge, monumental events that define our lives, weddings and births, deaths and graduations, the postures.  But the simple living, life itself, is found in between all of those postures, the big moments.  Life is found in the breaths that lead us into and out of the postures.  Life is in the flow.  It always comes back to the breath.

So during these crazy, advanced, "tech savvy" days, when I do not reply to your text or call or email in a "timely" fashion, just know, that I am finding rest in my "in between" right now.  I am breathing in these everyday life moments.  I am flowing through my sequence, acknowledging my postures, but really soaking in and enjoying living in my breath between.  When you feel caught in the gales of life, battered by the storms, when seas are rising, when you can not stand, remember, JUST BREATHE.